The BOYS
Episode Seventeen
October's
first week snaked in at the crest of a mean, slowly-uncoiling autumnal frenzy
of ominous portents bitterly exhumed and argued over... gay marriage and
bankruptcy, crackling drought and gas prices jumping as the plague receded and
humiliating defeats on diamond and gridiron.
The Padres, having been duly eliminated, again (after teasing their fans
by staying in playoff contention through most of September), another season for
the pathetic Chargers was at hand. (The
hefty Big Buckets, when emptied and turned upside-down with two eyeholes gouged
out to create weirdly medieval anonymity helmets, had been... for the entirety
of the Third Millennium, save the plague year of 2020... a staple at Qualcomm
Stadium, which abuse caused the clueless Mr. C. to rub his orthopteric
wrists, gushing "...any
publicity is good publicity." The
boisterous youth from San Cristobal had flattened Scottie Fales'
teammates at Alta Mesa, 38 to 15, repairing to the Dog Pound to cavort, gloat
and pelt each other with sausages under the gaze of pensioners who’d financed
their own Good Dogs with dimes and pennies pulled from pockets blue with
lint. And, moreover, it was a week of
black helicopters overhead, spraying clouds of blue mosquito dust against the
insidious infiltration of the returning West Nile virus; clouds that swirled
and spiraled and danced with the red clouds that the other helicopters were
dropping to put out the stubborn fires still burning up in the hills. A bleak week of missing flu
shots and ambered children, volcanoes and crime,
funerals and fire warnings.
And
Walter Fales, through it all, had sliced tomatoes,
swabbed floors and shouldered Mr. C's heavy garbage canisters to the dumpster,
avoiding his wife and neighbors, dreading another call from the G-men (and
worrying whether another day would pass without news) and grinding his teeth at
the chronic carping... sometimes justified, sometimes not... of the dayboss.
Eleven
days into his tenure at the Dog Pound... nine-thirty on the morning of Monday,
October eleventh, to be precise... he started from a brief daydream (or daymare) of trial and incarceration to find himself
standing stupidly in an empty parking lot at the chic, meticulously groomed Borrago Office Park, two miles from the DP, staring at a
neatly printed sign on the door of the North County Outplacement Counseling
offices. Glyniece
Jones had summoned him on Thursday morning... in his dealings with the
bureaucracy Walt hadn't known many who'd taken such an interest in the faceless
masses that sloughed through their offices and he'd suspected she'd thought to
throw this bone in his direction so he'd mention her to Mr. Z when the overboss dropped by on one of his weekly inspections.
Unfortunately,
she… or he… had made one mistake.
Rather
than observe the anniversary of discovery... and 516, to Walt's
ever-mathematical mind, was no mean number, it was divisible, divisible and
divisible, it was, in fact, the square root, no, what was that opposite, of two
to some power, the seventh, or eighth?... the lazy, titillation-seeking
Americans who still had jobs with days off and money to spend had had the
anniversary of racist white Colombo's sailing the ocean blue moved back to the
nearest Monday, the better to enjoy a three-day weekend of gluttony, lust (for
the fortunate few) and sacking out in front of the TV.
So,
now, Walter Fales blinked, turned away from the
shuttered window and the door with the "CLOSED FOR COLUMBUS DAY OBSERVATION"
placard, and smoldered in the Town Car, smoking one of those cheap, no-name
cigars from the Driveaway gas station, where he'd
only been able to budget five gallons to see him through the week.
(He'd even
found himself in agreement with Barry Cullery, who,
in fact, expressed nothing but ridicule for "burons"...
admitting, pridefully, that he'd borrowed said
particular term from Donald Trump who, Walt figured, was the nearest thing to a
mentor that the day manager had. Walt
wouldn't have watched "Celebrity Apprentice III", even if he'd had
the time, the girls at the register told him more than he needed to know about
the President and his rug, his dollies and sinister Russian advisors, and, now
and again, he'd espied Mr. C. practicing the so-called "cobra strike"
that Trump had used to fire hapless subordinates.)
The two Sundays he'd worked so far... Barry's
day off; Mr. C. was replaced by Z's floater, Kenny Coleman, a hapless, clueless
dropout from State who also filled in for Louie on Monday nights and bounced round
a couple other Interplanetary establishments, too... had been painless, but
Saturday, the ninth, had, truth be told, been a back-breaker. "At least, on Labor Day, the sheep are
motivated enough to go outside, fire up their grills, and roast their mutton,"
Liberal Davy had pronounced from his station as oily fry vapors swirled round,
making a corona of bad cholesterol for his indignant, bearded countenance.
"By Columbus Day, they don't give a shit, and they just go out."
But,
evidently, most American ruminants had flocked to Domino's or an Olive Garden
because, to Mister C, the workload hadn't justified adding a couple of
part-timers to the dayshift. "I
told Mister Z," he'd addressed the crew, balling his fists in rage and
impotence, "I told him just adding
mushrooms to the usual sauce on a Roman Dog wouldn't be taking full advantage
of the holiday. We could've used pizza
bread for the buns, charged an extra fifty cents... put screwy and bow tie
pasta in the salad bar. Does he listen
to me? No!"
If
he'd been Rodney Dangerfield, Barry might've summed up his elegy with something
pithy like "I don't get no respect!" but Dangerfield was dead. It had been that sort of week.
DP
pay was crap, Walt admitted, behind his stogie, but he'd still looked forward
towards Friday, even after Barry pulled the same old shit on the boys, hiding
out in his office and coming out after five, so they couldn't cash their checks
at a bank and had to go to the check cashing place at another crummy mall, half
a mile down 271st.
"How
much they charge to cash a check?" he'd wondered.
"Nine
bucks between two and five hundred dollars," Achmed
had replied, emerging from wherever he spent most of his days to collect his
reward.
"That's
a lot of money down the drain," said Walter, his appreciation for
pitifully small sums having grown, exponentially, for his all-too-frequent lack
of funds since the corporate debacle.
"Why don't you open an account at a bank with an ATM, that way you
just take the money you need out of the machine and drop your deposit in the
slot. They do it all for you and you
save your nine dollars up for, I don't know..."
"Ain't nothing around but
FFT," Achmed shot back. "Bought out all the
competition."
"So what?"
Walter shrugged, appalled at the young man's financial naiveté. No wonder these minorities remained in holes
they'd dug themselves and spent so much time grousing
about how history had treated them so unfairly.
"I've been with Forceright Financial
Trust lemme see... five years, almost, since they
took over Bank of the Sea."
"Yeah,
well maybe you got a different arrangement you made back then, or the special
plan they have for white people, but now they take twelve dollars out of your
account every month that you don't maintain a thousand-dollar balance. How the hell can I keep a thousand dollars
when I've got my wheels (Achmed's ancient Cadillac
did look like it burned money almost as eagerly as oil), my threads and my
bitches?"
"Thought
you had all kinds of women on a
string," Walter reminded him, "keeping you in the fast
lane." And Achmed
had stormed off, swearing in Palestinian, or Pomeranian… or something… while
Walt did some rapid mental math, coming to the inescapable conclusion that next
month’s utility bills would sink him
below the thousand dollar tide.
When
he'd come back a week ago Sunday... poison Salty Dog and all (Eunice informed
him that maybe twenty percent, sometimes a quarter of the new hires didn't
survive day one)... Achmed had intimated that, if he
wanted to use his forthcoming wealth for satisfaction: to blow his mind or
obtain, as the boy had put it, companionship,
he, Achmed Saleh Suvari, was the man with the jive.
Walt
had considered the prospect of Achmed as an actual
player almost more revolting than as a wannabe... so he'd just held up his left
fist, tapped his wedding band and shrugged.
"Married
don't mean nothing." At least the kid was indomitable; if his
parents hadn't brought him over from wherever... Jordan, Egypt... he would've
fit right in with some gang of unlicensed "guides", hustlers and
urchins selling souvenirs and fake artifacts in the shadow of the
Pyramids. "Married people need the
freaky stuff, sometimes, that wives can't give them."
"Yeah,
but they don't need that other stuff the freaks give 'em that comes with the
deal." Achmed's
hangdog hunger was almost enough to make a guy swear off the strange... the
companionship he'd chosen in those high-flying BCM days was, at least, clean, dammit. For what
he'd paid, it better well have been.
"I'll
be around," Achmed had flipped him off, then, a
statement that was true, sometimes, sometimes not. But his own ATM card,
and worldly wisdom hadn't gained Walt a dime, because when Barry finally came
out of that office, Friday afternoon, he gone down the fuckin'
roster alphabetically... Eunice Clay, Crake (that pale
conspiracy geek sweatin' the night shift), a couple
of temps, then Charlie "Tex" Davis, then Pepe
Gonzales. Alright, Walt figured,
the prick likes to make the new guy wait, kick him to the bottom of the list,
maybe until the end of the absurd "probationary" two months, when
he'd get his extra dime. But Mister C
had handed the rest of the envelopes to Louie, to pay the night shifters who'd
come by, later, and had started walking back towards his office.
Walter was on him like he hoped Donnie Edwards might be covering
enemy receivers, this season. Or
maybe not - losing his sinecure at BCM had meant, among other losses, that his
season ticket to Bolts' games on Braxton's dime was history.
"What,"
Barry squealed, sweaty and cowering as Walter turned him round bodily. Fuckin' cockroach... whoever the fuck ol' Kafka was, he'd had something on the ball.
"My
money," Walt said, "you
didn't give me my check."
"I
explained that to you," Barry
shook his head, "...I hope you're not one of those cases that starts getting their Alzheimer's early. And, I am sure, Mister Z did, too."
"Well,
humor me," Walt said. "Pretend
that you didn't and he didn't or... if you like... that I didn't remember. Just tell me where the hell is my
check."
"The
company holds back every first check," Barry said, slowly, as though
addressing a retarded child, "because, if they didn't, we'd have people
coming in left and right, working and taking their money. Quitting the moment they made enough to gas
up the truck to move on, or score some rock.
I don't make the policy, not even Mr. Z makes the
policy... take it up with Dog Pound headquarters in St. Louis if you want;
the address is on your checkstub..."
"I
don't have a checkstub..."
"Oh...
right... well just wait out here and I'll write it down in my office..."
"I
don't want the address of the fuckin' company, I want
my money!"
Barry
folded his arms, but set his jaw pre-emptively, as if
anticipating another angry Boy taking a swing at him. "You're not getting paid, and that's
company policy. Ask Mister Z if you
want, he'll tell you the same thing.
Besides..." Barry unfolded his arms, giving a sales pitch, now,
"...think about how big that first check will
look next Friday. Bigger than mine, probably," he winked,
a ghastly spectacle in and of itself.
"You might almost think you were rich. But," sighed Mister C, "if you want
to quit over this, we'll just tell St. Louis to mail it out to you next week,
then you'll probably get it Tuesday. A week from Tuesday. Or Wednesday..."
"Fat
lot of good it does me now..."
"Listen,"
Barry cajoled, "I think you can make it here. You've got some rough edges, some attitude
that needs adjusting, but you could fit in.
How about, if you're hungry... I know that you've got a family... you
can just put a few dogs on the account, and I won't charge them against your
pay till the week after next. No interest, either. Deal?"
He
extended a hand, showing about an inch of monstrously hairy wrist. Is this guy from another planet? Walt asked
himself.
"Forget
it. Just don't try pulling anything like
this next week, I'm serious..."
"I'm
not pulling anything, Mister Fales. Ask any
of the boys or girls, the policy is fairly and equitably enforced. Everybody goes through this, it's..."
and the manager brightened, "...it's a sort of initiation, that's what it
is! An initiation into the fraternity
of… of…" he hesitated, “…of fries.”
So
Walt sat in the fuckin' parking lot of that closed, fuckin' Outplacement Counseling Center... which was
probably just some sort of circle-fuck with guys who weren't necessary anymore
sitting around in uncomfortable chairs, whining about their prospects. Smoking fuckin'
El Ropo in his car. And, although tomorrow, Tuesday... the real Columbus Day... was supposed to be
his day off, he'd committed himself. Not
to Barry... fuck no!... but to the boss, to Mr.
lots-on-fuckin'-Mars Z. For the overtime, he'd been promised... God!
He needed the money. He'd received
cutoff notices from the cable company, which he figured he could do without,
and the phone company. And the car
insurance was due on the fifteenth.
Maybe
it was all for the better. His day off,
last Tuesday, had been just a step up from a root canal day, a proctology
day. (And the doc with the rubber glove
had told him, in June, that there was a swelling he'd like to keep an eye on,
and could Walt come in again 'round Christmas instead of waiting a year? Fat chance now... without
BCM insurance.)
He'd
worked lots of weekends for Braxton, of course, but that was different. Working in the securities field meant
driving, or flying, to his appointments a day or so early to rest up for his
presentations (so he told himself, and Bill Braxton, the bastard, gave him just
enough rope). They did a lot of business
in Arizona and Nevada, so he could find action, if he wanted it, and if the
morning's tee-off time wasn't too early.
He'd lose graciously, patiently explaining the merits of the week's
wonder drug or Malaysian derivative fund, get the
pension manager's name down on paper that night... often when the guy was
babbling in an extreme state of inebriation or, more than a few times, cocaine
intoxication. More often than not, Walt
closed the sale in some lap dance joint... the choice of venue was always up to
the customer, but when it was BCM's credit card picking up the tab, a lot of
these guys went both high and low as they could go.
Seeing
how the counties and unions managed their pension funds could've turned Walt
into a sour, hygienically-challenged Commie like Davy, the fry-guy, but Walter
was old and cynical, and the money had just been there for the taking. His downfall had been in his strategic
planning; taking his bonuses, even a fat slice of his commissions, in BCM
Preferred... not doing what it turned out Braxton himself had been doing, all
along, in dumping the worthless securities while he could, converting them into
tidy, secured accounts in the Caribbean.
And that damn well didn't mean Havana, fry-boy.
Thinking
about Commies led him to a natural counting-off of the canon, starting with the
ex-Presidents… the white and black... he'd already dismissed the incumbent he’d
voted for as incompetent and, probably, diseased... the terrorists, the media, that
sick old man who’d bumbled and fumbled his way to defeat like that witch,
Hillary, the fuck who played that fake terrorist on TV, those other fucks three
doors down with their goddam liberal lawn signs and,
of course, Hanoi Jane Fonda. One of her
old movies, in fact, had been on the soon-to-be-history cable, an old one from
the days when she had a body worth the using, and used it, to excess, to the
effect that the villain with big eyebrows had said something to the effect that
he shuddered to contemplate that "...other people might do, to me, what I
do to them." Yeah, he'd been blind,
totally blind, to any suggestion that Braxton might be ripping him off, too,
although... come to think of it... there had been warnings. Both his
grown sons... the successful one in the middle, Herman, who managed a bank in
Nebraska and his no-good firstborn John, up in Alaska (or was it the Canadian
Yukon, by now?)... had shown a distinct paucity of
appreciation for his strategic planning on behalf of his putative
grandchildren, when they'd arrive.
"Life's short," Herman had even talked back to him... Herman!... who had practically been born
in a business suit, with a number two red pencil in his mouth, and he'd had the
insolence to advise his own father to take more hard cash up front, less on the
backside.
That
he'd been right only potentiated Walt's self-loathing. That phonecall to
Omaha he'd had to make last month had been one of the bitterest of many bitter
pills lined up like bullets on his plate.
John, at least, was off leading an expedition of tenderfeet, he took his
messages at this bar in the Iliamna Volcano country which, for all Walt knew,
were stuffed into a pouch every month or so and passed over to some Eskimo on a
dogsled. He hadn't heard shit from John,
of course... God! maybe his firstborn would let him
share the igloo, whatever... if he couldn't meet the mortgage at the end of the
month – at least he probably could count on help from Herman until the end of
the year.
So
long as he didn't find out about the baseball.
Otherwise...
well, there was this one old guy who came in late (after the breakfast rush so
even Barry seldom showed the inclination to kick him out after an hour or
so). Just another poor fuck with nowhere
else to go, nursing a coffee and refills... one of those cheap but filling bran
and pecan muffins that were on the menu as a sop to health nuts, maybe...
reading greasy newspaper sections that other patrons had left behind. He dressed neatly, wasn't a bum like the
car-sleepers Louie had pointed out, some of whom trekked in, early mornings,
for coffee or maybe an Early Dog eggwich if they'd
raised a few bucks panhandling or picking avocados, out in the desert. Barry served them, but always had some
part-timer on the breakfast shift shuffle by their tables around nine, nine
fifteen at the latest... when the decent people and their kids had finished and
gone off to their jobs and schools... pushing a mop and bucket filled with
half-strength ammonia as a message to get on with their lives, somewhere else.
It was a game, just another fuckin' game.
This
old guy, who seemed to have both premonitions about, and respect for, ammonia fumes,
would come in around ten, that dead, witching hour when the DP was serving
breakfast and lunch menus (and not
too many of either). Eunice, who could
talk to people when Barry was hiding in his office, said the fellow was an old
Professor... his beef against life was that Cal State was more interested in
fundraising than proper, classical education.
And he'd saved up a little bit of money, somehow, so when Walt clocked
in and Barry sent him out with mop and bucket, he'd sort of shimmy around the
dining area while the old guy read his papers and sipped his coffee, and when
there was nowhere else to clean, he'd hint that the Old Professor could move
across the way, and the guy would pick up his coffee... in less than a week,
he'd timed Walt's approach, so the cup was always nearly full with the last
half-price refill, nod courteously and saunter down 271st, on his way to where
it is where the people people didn't need, anymore,
went.
Walt's
first Tuesday off had been a dizzying glance through the wrong end of a
telescope into uselessness. Missy needed
money for her hair, she needed money for lunch for the
girls and wanted more for an outfit to go with the shoes she’d just
bought. Rung up a hundred eighty on
plastic for some fuckin' vase (as if they didn't have
enough already) and the MasterCard winked out, like a dead star, or busted red
on a string of Christmas lights... OVERDRAWN!
They'd fallen into the habit of going to one of the decent restaurants
in the mall... the Olive Garden, Fuddpucker's, maybe El Capitan, for Mexican... twice a
week, or so, as well as to one of the very good places in San Diego or La Jolla
every other week, but Walt had nixed that practice.
"I'm
on commission now," he'd lied. "It's going to take time for the money to
start rolling in again; meanwhile we've got to economize." He asked her to return the vase and the shoes
and she locked herself in the bedroom, so he rummaged through the cupboards,
dug out a can of beef stew, and cut his finger opening it. There didn't seem to be any rubbing alcohol
in the house, so he soaked it in Absolut, wrapped a
few squares of toilet paper around the gash, and secured the bandage with a
rubber band, wondering if there was any chance of his getting an
infection. The stew was house brand,
what poor people ate, and poor people who pick up and put down generic cans at
Safeway host germs. Not to mention the
plague,
Missy
wouldn't let up on the prying. What kind
of job is it? Sales. What kind
of sales? Hospitality. "Inquiring minds will want to
know?" she'd warned him.
"Your
nosy, tea-sipping, so-called friends can all go to hell. I'm working," he'd stormed, "none
of those bitches are, and plenty of their husbands aren't either."
"If
you mean Fran and Gary Liberatore, he's taken early
retirement. And the Nunnallys
are investors."
Once
Missy had gone out, shopping, he'd started combing the house for stuff they
didn't need, stuff that he could sell.
In Herman's room, he'd discovered the dated, autographed Tony Gwynn
baseball, from '84... the year that the Padres had won
it all. It was a genuine stadium autograph
back from the days when kids could get such things, not some crap five or ten
dollar signature from a card show. He'd
checked its worth against a couple of Internet sites... forty, maybe fifty
dollars, but there wasn't time to sell it on E-Bay, so he'd brought the damn
thing to a card shop in another crappy mall on the way to the DP where this kid
offered him fifteen bucks... fifteen!
He'd asked for twenty, settled for seventeen... a five and twelve
singles, the bills ragged and dirty as if already resigned to being swapped for
generic smokes and a bottle of cheap wine.
He'd blown the wad on a stack of Safeway's microwave dinners... the
better kind, at least... and told Missy "...don't
ever say I'm not carrying my weight around here."
At
least the calls from nosy reporters had all but disappeared. BCM's woes had been a three-day wonder in
October's media hothouse of war, terrorism, the Boston Red Sox and the upcoming
elections. But, though media ripples
from the initial incident calmed, the telephone calls from wounded, outraged
investors persisted. One Dog Pound perk,
consequently, was that Missy had to field the daytime calls, which tended to be
sober, rational... therefore, dangerous... she could scream back that she was
only a wife who knew nothing about BCM and that Braxton was a rat bastard,
sounding so dangerous and deranged, herself, that few of these called
back. This left Walt with the
head-cases... the ones who'd call late at night, mostly, alcohol-fueled and
weeping. Some of these were people Walt
even knew, socially, would once have called him a friend, even.
"I'm a victim, too," he'd shouted
back at these and, if the hour was late (or if there wasn't anybody worth
watching on one of the Jimmies… the other guy, the Catholic, was too cheerfully
depressing), the conversation would tilt like a badminton-buffoon-battleground
of sob stories and ratcheted-up tragedies that left Walt drained, looking ahead
to the long nights in his empty bed... and bad dreams that some sanitation
worker who'd lost his pension might come gunning for him early next morning.
So
he was glad to have work to go back to on Wednesday, even though Wednesday was
the day when Mister Z dropped by to inspect and motivate the crew and Barry was
hopped up like a bug on crack.
"Need I remind you," the small, round Walter Zweiss charged the comrades, one and all, giving a wink and
nod to Davy, "that Oceanside is our Stalingrad... the field of battle on
which Zweiss Interplanetary shall fail, or prevail,
paving the way for further expansions, for carrying the message forward, for
opportunities... and promotions..."
"All
the way to fuckin' Mars," Walt said, to himself.
"How about raises?" Davy had had
the impudence to ask, aloud, "if we testify?"
"In
time," Zweiss had punted, "all in good,
good time. Although compensation, as
well as free transport, will be given those who, on their own time and of their
own accord, accompany me to the Permit Appeals hearing to testify on behalf of
the virtues of free enterprise, and the admirably qualities of that wholesome,
nutritious and inexpensive marvel that is the simple tube sausage, with tasty
condiments. So, on the first of these
two grounds, I regret to have to decline your kind offer of paid fealty,
Davy," Mister Z headed off the obvious embarrassment. "Besides, somebody has to hold down the
fort."
He
glanced at his clipboard. "Barry,
I'm expecting you to be my right hand man at this trial and Kenny will fill in
for you after one, he'll take the beginning of Louie's shift, too. So... you'll be bringing Achmed
and Fermeley... they'll come up in a group with Lev
and Weng Shih..."
"Is
this some racial thing?" Fermeley had asked.
"Damn
straight it is, pardon the Martian," Mister Z grinned. "That so-called community group in
Oceanside - it's just a lying rat pack of rich, white mother-fuckers who've got
theirs and want to make sure that nobody else does, just so they can uphold
their property values. Well, that ain't entirely true, one of those two bastards leading
these Concerned Citizens did step off the boat from Iran with a fistful of
drachmas or whatever back in the day, I'll leave it to you... and to the
Judge... to draw conclusions about where
he got all that money in the first place.
Hell, they'd get rid of the Marines, if they could. Zone Pendleton for twelve-acre parcels, maybe
toss in a couple of blocks of million-dollar townhouses to get around the State
affordability guidelines. So we're gonna
fight back hard, and dirty. I know your boys'll be in school, but the little one, Carina... she's
how old?"
"Four,"
Fermeley said.
"Bring
her along," Mister Z made a mark on his clipboard. "Let her work on the Judge Evans... a
little bird told me that he's touched with a spot of the jungle fever, know
what I mean? Be sure to whiten your
teeth, and smile. Then, just to send up
that lie that fast food servers are just kids and drifters, I want Ed and
Eunice displaying the mature face of the Pound..."
"You're
cutting the heart out of my staff," Barry objected. "Bad enough Kenny is going to have to handle a lunch... he doesn't know his ass
from his elbow..."
"Then
let me... Walter," the franchise manager suggested, "I know Tuesday
is your day off, but if you'd care to make a few extra dollars, how about you
come down to Oceanside with us?” Davy
muttered an audible oath, but the Man from Mars continued, undeterred… “Ed can
stay behind. Wear something... wait,
you're a veteran, aren't you?"
"Yes,
sir," Walt replied, which was true, sort of... he'd served stateside,
except for eight months in Germany.
"Do
you still have your uniform?" Zweiss lunged,
"...does it fit?"
"Sorry."
"Well... how about medals, a couple of decorations at
least?"
"Those
I can handle."
It
was emblematic of just how his private life had deteriorated that Walter Fales agreed to join the dog and pony show trekking down to
Oceanside to sit in on the hearing. He'd
have done it for nothing - it was that bad between himself
and Missy.
He'd
have paid Zweiss
for the excuse to get out of the house.
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