The Journal
Serving the Metropolitan Area
Since 1872
October 12th
SPRINGTIME for CATFISH!
By Jack Parnell - retired Congressman and Independent Presidential
candidate
Syndicated
by Acme Features
Back in the day, when
I sat down with Austin Tillerman, the boys and a nice
lady cowpoke name of Jody, what we got around to... after the implosion of Reform
and venom against Nader, the mess that followed, the Trump-0-rama mess as
followed that... was how, basically, NAFTA only proved the point we warn't no better off than Mexicans, politically. Our Don Jones
Index of five-some years back compared
American happiness with the UN’s surveyors by naming the happiest, bestest and worst countries in the world, (how these United
States clocked in wasn’t pretty then, nor now.) America's Institutional Party buzzard, having two
wings, had given up any pretense of reform, let alone revolution, so the
Democrats had to be helped along on their collective task of withering away, leaving
that angry orange pimple called the Republican party to explode from the center
out, spewing its pus and microbes all over everyone and everywhere.
So we set about
looking at how to accomplish this, and wrote up these Ten Commandments for
takin' back
Early on, before
even the 2020 race and our decision, based upon reality, not to go for the gold
without a little organizing, first, a mangy mob of monkeywrenchers,
sneaky Greens, ex-Reforms, ex-Laroachies, men with
bad teeth in camo, Capitol hangmen and the such came knockin', still covered with the ashes of Y2K, 9-11 and... soon to follow... the One Six. Didn't exactly
mix well with our Michigan and Texas militias... let alone the
Harlem and Chicago homeboys or the Colorado and Kentucky mountain folk. Letting
cranks hang ‘round provokes nothing but trouble! A'fore
you know it: dozens of 'em sleeping in your basement, in shifts, empty tinfoil
cartons in the dumpster, Attorney General on the box, right-leaners
callin’ your spread their 'compound', lefties their
‘sanctuary’! Austin can have that
demographic – welcome to rassle Djonald
Unsane for it! So we wrote up the First: Keep the nuts at arms’ length! (As
opposed to keeping your arms at nuts’-length!)
Speaking of Aygees, the first time A. G. Goethals let me work on the Senator's
campaign, I was just out of college, full of myself, so Al gives me this
timetable with, on the first Monday and Tuesday in November, the initials GOTV.
Being young and full of nomenklatural sass and vigor,
I said: "Mister Goethals, sir, I understand Monday night football and
such, but don't you think our money would be better spent over the weekend than
on Tuesday morning soaps?" Al took a long sigh, reminding himself as we
were the boob-tube generation, before patting my head and remarking: "Boy,
GOTV means gettin' out the vote, not goin'
on the God-damn television!" Therefore, our Commandment Two: keep amateurs out of the smoke-filled rooms, as where decidings get done!
Now abstractions are
all well and good, but voters like matters explained in terms of personalities,
so, in drafting a charter for the CNC, we've followed that tried and tested truism: choose unpopular enemies! Keep mobile: when the gay bridegroom
panics run out of vigor, mosey on to tranny toilets. Mexican rapists, birds and germs and Unapissers.
If the Democratic party… even lacking a brain, a heart and backbone… was able
to hold onto Congress on that page-molestin' scuzzball from Florida, Lord knows... there's enough
bipartisan termitery to raise up a dozen new parties!
If'n it comes down to the party of oily Wall Street
job exportin' embezzlers agin'
that of America-hating trial lawyers as helped Kam-mala
and these California prisoners sue for gumment-paid tinfoil to wrap around heads to keep the
prison from broadcasting his thoughts over loudspeakers... well, like them bumperstickers over in Kampala used to say: "Dada
Happens!"
Now Donkey-boys
an' Elephant-gals never tire of the either/or... if you're agin'
greedy trial lawyers, you must be for corrupt insurance companies; don't
want Costa Ricans streaming into Costa Mesa, have to be for the war. Where it comes
to tackling either of two bad alternatives, why not the both? So our Commandamente
Cuatro: find (or make up) common grounds between
two adversaries as are too proud to occupy themselves, pivot your butts into
the middle, squat over ‘em and declare the war done with, problem solved por moí now that our American go-fundees
have come to the relief of the Notre Dame fire means we can be friends with the
French again (even their old people, as some describe as over 62) – which is a
good thing seeing that Djonald Unchained and Boris
Undead are still scrapping over that
lady biker killer as running back home and claiming diplomatic immunity!
On the other hand,
the Fifth Commandment, one that our past and current incumbents
has mastered, is practice creative inconsistency.
Demand that backwoods death sentences handed down by hanging judges be verified
by the DNA, if applicable, while standing agin' the liberal
pro-criminal nonsense by putting termination to what I call the Stupid Juror
Laws. Whack a partisan clown, now and again, so that voters won't lose all
respect for you! Occupy the center and periphery… the doughnut and the hole - work outwards from the former,
inwards from the latter, and always take the side of the common sense. Practice
kickin’ cans as will roll downhill for months instead
of weeks. (Although if
you do decide to Occupy Maa-a-loxo,
you have got to be prepared to handle the consequences.)
Number six: cannibalize rivals. Venerate martyrs ('cept for the Tim
McVeigh, David Koresh and Ramsey Tate sorts). Do a little historistical
scavengery work, scoop up Democratic and trumped-up
Republican trash as may become CNC treasure. A whole squatload
of Democrats went over the wall after three straight wipeouts, but the ACLU and
the Libertarians took in Bob Barr and Dick Armey started hanging sheetrock for
Habitat once the long shadow of jail darkened over him. (Hear Michael Cohen’s
angling to become a Conk, but on that see Number One, above.) As the platforms of the big parties grow
increasingly rigid and chaotic, keep an eye open for potential defectors. Come
our convention, we'll parade a whole armada of Conks as have come to the true
religion, however late in life. We’ll
even take Mister Bannon, long as he’s not indicted
yet. Again…
Once we've declared a
party, keep goin' door to door, signing up memberships
and fundraising (our side peddlin' Rayna’s Modes cosmetics,
Which brings up
Commandment Nine: smile, dammit, smile! Carter talked malaise, Reagan reminisced 'bout Jimmy Stewart and
those Hepburn gals. Reagan won. Junior Bush promoted "a conservatism
with a smile, not a conservatism with a frown," and, when terrorism
struck, America sent gloomy Pickle John Kerry to the woodshed, thence to a
sentence as climate czar, thence Sec State, butting heads with Iranian rug
dealers. After that, same bulldada with O-man and Palin providing the winks, McCain and
Biden the nods! And, once they let you
into the debates, don’t interrupt the moderator! Two thirds of Americans don’t like that and them
as do – you don’t want em anyhow. Ask
Doug Burgum.
Finally, be quick to
declare victory... even if of a moral sort... move on, and shrug off disappointments
as the rear-window outgrowth of people's prejudices against all organizations
as stand up against the system. Our current Chief Executive does it, his
predecessor did, why not us? Those Philippine tire deflation cultists as swore "God's way of
stopping bad deeds" was to let out God's air before Y2K? Well... the
judge laughed at 'em, but they'd responded the world was still around because
of those tires they'd icepicked!
Every day, in February
and March, the world tilts a bit closer to the sun... so little a body would
hardly notice it. But, one day... in April, maybe, or May, some places... the
clouds break, sun comes out and flowers are busting open everywhere! Who'da thunk any one of those little
sunbeams in winter would've combined with others to bring about springtime? Any new organization as jumps out the box
gets a sort of honeymoon, a springtime when maximum free and mostly favorable
publicity becomes available... when the Koch fueled and funded “Freedom” caucus
splits off from The Donald and runs its own candidate (Mike Pence?) when Pat
Robertson and Ron Paul huddle with Al Sharpton, Reverend Wright and Don King to
birth two more new parties to peel
voters off’n the Pubs an’ Rats like rotten wallpaper!
Who'da thunkit that... that a few CNC members, working with their
neighbors to clean up the block, would go on to clean up their city, their
state, their America.
I'm fully enjoying
this falltime springtime for the CNC in this
Halloween for the donkeys and elephants... if only because (after the
plague-and-Putin hectored winter we been through and the sweltering DeeCee summer a’followin’)
because I know how darned unpleasant America’s capitol can get! But a caveat... that’s a sort of caviar that
even the poor can enjoy if they’re smart... third parties that lean closer to
one faction than the other will ensure the victory of the party or candidate
they like or respect even less. Thus,
Austin Tillerman and I are talking up a deal to maybe
run third and fourth party challenges
if the expected, and dreaded, Trump-Biden sequel rises from its grave. Maybe fifth and sixth or even seventh,
considering Bobby Junior and his war on Tylenol, that Green guy and we haven’t
even heard from the Libertarians yet (and won’t until after Trump is nominated
and one of those bitter losers takes his revenge). If we didn’t, maybe the Bern could bolt the
donkeys and Pence UnHanged could bolt the elephants. Hell, even the entrance of Ye
and Puffy into the 2024 crunkfest would make it more palatable.
CLICK the CATFISH to go
to PAST and PRESENT EPISODES of "BLACK HELICOPTERS" and to OTHER JACK PARNELL COLUMNS |