The Journal
Serving the Metropolitan Area
Since 1872
September 11th
IMMORTAL (if not necessarily) BELOVED!
By Jack Parnell - retired Congressman and Independent Presidential
candidate
Syndicated
by Acme Features
Pity, if you will,
a gumment down to its last promise worth the promisin'...
That Immortality!
Yes, all of us will live
forever... if’n those Immortalists like
Jeff Bozus will have their way (and the Islamic,
homegrown or Russian Nazi psychos or a new Chinese disease or hurricanes don’t
get ‘em). People as
been chasing that big "I" since this fusty ol’ perfessor,
name of Someone Faust, cut his devil's deal over there in Germany, but forgot
to include the youthfulness rider. So justifiable paranoia abounds. "We
all live now as if we were working for some vast, national life-insurance
company," was columnist Ellen Goodman's take on matters before one of
those hired both Tonya Harding and Johnny (Football) Manziell – which was sort of funny, not sad like Broadway
Joe Namath scrounging his way through retirement for the snake oil salesmen.
Now those of you as who
are of an age remember: back in the 50's and early 60's, public schools that sold dismemberment insurance in the
classrooms – hundred dollar payout for a lost hand, eye or ear, two for one arm
or leg, five for any pair of same. Thousand for the works, payable to Mom and
Pop – so no ice cream, comic books or (what was that masked meat?) Lone Ranger
lunchboxes! Pickin' and choosin'
was a vanished ritual of autumn, like burning leaves and sandlot football
without helmets... I'm not sure whether the intent was to stimulate creative
thinking in morbid little minds, or morbid thinking in creative ones, but this
Chinese menu of mutilation conditioning did its job. Continental Insurance
Company's kidnap, abduction and school shooting policies... "less than two dollars a day!" (but with most inner city
areas redlined)... now sell like effin' hotcakes to
milk-carton terrified li'l suburban rugrats as grew up unkidnapped and
have rugrats of their own, whom they drive fifty feet
to the schoolhouse rather than let ‘em walk and maybe get molested by the
ice-cream man! Litigation compels manufacturers to childproof everything, from
guns to pillboxes of arthritis pills, and those ice cream trucks prohibited
from neighborhoods, due not only to the molestation, but to a fear of
cone-carbs, or some free-range kids gettin' run over.
"There is no
end to the list of things we should and shouldn't do," conservative
columnist Guy Wright observed long before the plague and mask mandates, "and
no shortage of people who would like to have a law to make us do what they
think is best."
And the TV lawyers are
still trolling for more real or imaginary victims to join their class action
suit against Bill Cosby or the Boy Scouts!
After a few lost
decades among the drugs and AIDS, cheeseburgers and disco and the bounceback of what partisans still call the China Virus by
whatever Greek-letter variant of the month, the "lite"
years are vengefully upon us. "People are desperately trying to establish
a sense of control by self-denial," explains Manhattan headshrinker Mari Terzaghi. The "lite" beer
and bread, corporately diluted with water and soybeans and sawdust (at double the
price!), inevitably breeds a need for lite educations (assuming that kids are
even getting educations these days), where racist, patriarchal difficult abominations
as math, science and English have been yanked out of public schools like bad
molars in favor of "esteem-curricula" like basket-weaving and
gender-reversal roleplay.
"Professors should
have less freedom of expression than writers and artists," gloats
Barbara Johnson of Yale, "because professors are supposed to be creating a
better community." (emphasis added)
"Heroes despise
Death," objected the politically incorrect Oswald Spengler, "saints despise
Life." Another famous enemy of the victim culture, Mr. Nietzsche, once
growled: "the Kingdom of Heaven of the poor in spirit has begun."
"The idea that our
individual lives and the nation's life can and should be risk-free has grown to
be an obsession..." remarked Henry Fairlie upon
the aftermath of the Apollo and Challenger disasters long before the outbreak
of plague, "...threatening to create an unbuoyant and uninventive society."
So a serious ‘Publican candidate for Job
One timidly ventures that we might get back
to the moon by 2040 (with robots) while… go figure… the Russians and the Chinese
are collaborating on a Starbase with mega lasers
pointed at Chicago.
Our
legal-psychiatric complex, now, rewards inventively clumsy burglars,
and cuckoo criminals with too much or little self-esteem... as that elephant trainer
from
What to do? Bag ‘em with a Klansy
white hood, gag ‘em till they stop breathing and tag ‘em for the undertaker to enter
into his Domesday Book.
What’s going on in taxpayer-funded
universities? Seems as if there’s an
infestation of MAGA false flaggers flying about – and blowing up Confederate
statues and impolite comedians is only the beginning. Duck-lover Anne Sterling's pet peeve is the slander
of mallards as serial rapists, because rape... by definition... can only stem
from "human patriarchy". Vegetables? Don't dare slander
spinach or disparage limp asparagus in Maryland... that State Senate put its
anti-defamation law on the books after Oprah's Texas beef beef.
In just the past coupla months, the cancel culture… which is to say, wealthy
white undergraduates of $60,000 per year universities… has taken on the
Muppets, Dr. Seuss and Mister Potato Head. A serious contender for the Republican
nomination for President has staked his campaign upon war against the green
M&Ms being forced upon our poor children by the Socialist transgender mice
at Disney.
"The existence of
victims is an indictment of the system and validates the liberal desire for 'change',"
pronounced conservative Jeffrey Hart, echoing Eugene McCarthy's contemptuous
dismissal of LBJ's Great Society... "to make
ignorance, mental retardation, ill health, and even ugliness illegal." Thus, some of the most violent, trigger-happy
left-wing protesters descending on Portland and Kenosha and Louisville night
after night after night… not to mention the bored and tormented souls seeking
absolution at the end of a police baton or tear gas canister… join the Trump MAGAmob in just seeking some sense of aliveness of the sort
that drove Mick Jagger and the boys to seek “their
fair share of abuse” before they grew older and just pocketed their money.
"Unpredictability
is often a sign of life," the paleo-con Hart added "and I enjoy it
whenever I see it."
As is common among Squeamish,
as feel an entitlement to run other people's lives in order to bring some
purpose to their own, some of the most fanatical Immortalists
are recovering Immoralists whose own bodies rebelled against youthful excess and
the pause as did more than refresh. Many former libertines and student revolutionaries
now haunt twelve-step groups and "closure" lobbies and exploit their
self-victimization to meet and take selfies with
celebrities and obtain attention that, otherwise, would never accrue to aging,
burned-out scolds. "If you don't have an addiction to talk about you're
almost out of luck!" says Dr. G. Alan Marlatt, of
the Addictive Behavior Research Center in Seattle.
"If something tastes
really good, it is probably bad. And if something tastes really dull, it is
probably good," wrote Mike Royko, in Chicago. Then
he died, proving his point. And the Federal gumment
banned vile-tasting but buzzless hemp lollipops on
the thoughtcrime of inciting stoners to pretend they
were sucking the Devil's shrubbery and thirty-two state legislatures
criminalized electronic cigarettes for leading impressionable youth on to
believe that pretending to smoke real
tobacco like Bogart and Sinatra did is Kool. Other dead white Chicago guy,
Nelson Algren (as wrote that dope movie with Ol’ Blue Eyes screaming in his
closet), quoted some judge, as may or may not have existed, saying, more or
less, about the sorry procession of bums, hypes and grifters
as appeared before him every day: "they won't work, and you can't shoot
them..." (this before lethal injection allowed high criminals to exeunt
like unwanted puppies and kittens instead of evil human scum and, like the
infamous Mark Cobb, extort a few years more of taxpayer-subsidized life once gumment supplies of one or another components of the
chemical cocktail necessary for “safe” execution drugs run out and the ACLU
lawyers started whining about the pain and suffering of those who, for example,
rape, torture and murder little children), "... so what the hell do you do
with 'em?"
Don’t often agree with
The Donald, but Trump was dead-on for promising to deal death to the deserving
by bringing back the firing squads. Or
for the special cases as mutilate and murder children... I’ll see ‘im and raise ‘im... plain ol’ fire, at the stake.
Our current
neo-liberal autocracy holds the hand of Squeamishness where there is profit to
be pulled… usually by sanctioning persons deemed hostile to the benevolent
planners… and otherwise exploits their more foolish adventurism to keep the
public itself hostile to PC-chained abominations like fair wages, a clean
environment and decent healthcare and, so, under the thrall of the same old
termites now romping through the swamps of the Ukraine while the President of
the United States trembles in his basement safe room and the Poles, Balts and even (if seven-eighths of a century too late) the
Germans are making final revisions of their wills and taking a last walk
through the park before the neo-Holocaust, pondering whether the global warming
and nuclear winter might just cancel each other out.
As I pointed out in this
year ago lesson in a Don Jones
Index last year, the dice of history
have thrown up another snake eyes, and the neo-Soviet snake with a “King of the
World” fetish is bound and determined that the entirety of humanity and most of
the larger, warm blooded inhabitants of Animal Planet must die to validate his
vanity. Two such crazies in the course
of a century is about par for the course, though (and their bloody empires...
vast, but not worldwide... failed to survive generational decay), and their
elevation to power wouldn’t be possible without the complicity of the seven or
nearing eight billion sheeple whose
“irresponsibility” (as Dr. Reich posited it back in the last century) cloaks,
but does not dilute, a formidable death wish.
Not to mention
China, or Iran, or the NoKo’s... Putin’s arms dealer
of desperation.
There are times to
embrace, the Bible says, and times to refrain from embracing. And, thanks to the plague, the parade of
allegations against the rich and powerful by victims seeking celebrity or cash…
one of the five, six, seven allegations against former New York Mayor Cuomo
being that he asked an adult woman for a kiss… those times are now.
(I supported, by the
way, impeaching that Guv’nor inasmuch as that the
first allegation, as engendered all them copycats, concerned actual sexual
violence. Moreover, Cuomo cancelled his
career by falsifying the nursing home Covid deathcount so as to bolster his chances of succeeding
President Joe in 2024, more than ample grounds of cancelling him.) And it would have been fun (for real Americans,
not Californs) if they’d went ahead and recalled
their harmless but clueless Governor and replaced him with Caitlyn Jenner! But can you imagine a country where its leader
urges on a mob to destroy the Capitol and hang his own Vice President while a
stuttering high school loser as would be even rejected by the Proud Boys faces
twenty large in an adult slammer for begging a kiss from his date at the Junior
Prom?
It’s America, dammit!
Well, under a
Catfish Presidency, Congress would have to bite that bullet on the public
health. Once we’ve vaxxed our way to herd immunity (Mooo!) by winter or
(if the variants as return and recur again like the flu are sufficiently
lethal) by 2030, either we dump all our sex, dope and chocolate covered peanut
laws down the john and flush twice (enacting Pittacine
"aggravation" statutes to dampen real crime under real or imaginary
influences, build jackass camps in our forests and deserts so stoners, pervs and derelicts won't clog our cities any more than they
do so now) or get consistent and serious about making Americans immortal
(whether they wish or not) by making possession and/or consumption of alcohol,
tobacco, non-missionary sex, meat and refined sugar crimes.
Repeal the 23rd Amendment, as repealed the 19th and
dispatch a Federal hybrid of narcotics and immigration police to invade
California and Colorado – even if it means the medicinal potheads getting into
shootouts with the local cops. (It’ll
save money on Social Security and Medicare.) Don't we all want to be like the vassels of the good burg of Calabasas, California, as
outlawed ciggies everywhere except at home, with a
permit? Forget about our failed
Bloomberg Presidency dream, install him as Surgeon General; give the dude plenipotentiary
powers and install a smoke detector in every home and surveillance devices in
every crapper as can analyze the composition of organic waste and immediately
notify police of violations. Fun to see
all them ol' tobacco, bacon and Coca Cola lobbyteers rolling
around in dirty front yards with Rottweilers ripping
their European suits to tatters, loose Winstons bouncing
from their boxers as ATF agents Rodney King'em with
the grandkids crying and neighbors gawking, then haul 'em off to jail! Remember the example of Rush Limbaugh on the
dope and calories, both, them as wannabe Seth Rogan, or
that creepy Johnny Deepy pirate from the two chocolate
movies, if'n he ever comes back from France...
We’re already
halfway there, thanks to the plague doctors as now tell us that testing for
infections by sticking Q-tips up your nose is not as effective as screaming in
a Dutch lockbox or soliciting (voluntarily now, but just wait!) samples of
“wastewater” in a paper cup to differentiate between the merely naked and the
soon dead.
(Down in his private
Vice-Presidential suite in Hell, Nelson… twenty years for two joints…
Rockefeller must be whooping it up with a bottle of Crystal and two or three of
his favourite party squeezes like Marilyn Monroe,
Typhoid Mary or Madame Pompadour!)
Six AM rising time and
public calisthenics, too! "When you quit exercising," nonagenarian evangelist
Jack LaLanne tied the whole sweet potato pie together
with Dominion's shoelaces before God called him to breakfast (gluten-free
granola, oat milk, decaf), "the Devil will get you!" ‘Snot’s so bad,’ Nellie responds.
So let’s send out condemned
crooks as exhausted the patience of Algren’s judge onwards and downwards to
that entity by injecting them with a cheap, easily obtainable death-drug that
might offend victims’ relatives for letting those as murdered their loved ones
depart the planet with a song in their hearts and a smile on their lips, but die…
all the same…and save us the cost of their thousand and one baseless appeals…
Heroin. (Or, of late, fentanyl?)
"As man suffers
from the same physical evils as lower animals," allowed Chuckie Darwin in his
"Descent of Man", "...he has no right to expect an immunity from the evils consequent on the struggle for
existence."
Ain’t
much of a Donald fan, but I could get behind seeing the Trumpster tell America’s
Big Nanny: “You’re fired!”
CLICK the CATFISH to go to
PAST and PRESENT EPISODES of "BLACK HELICOPTERS" and to OTHER JACK PARNELL COLUMNS |