The Journal


Serving the Metropolitan Area


Since 1872



September 20th




By Jack Parnell - retired Congressman and Independent Presidential candidate


Syndicated by Acme Features


          I'd left the Congress, been to Branson, even helped bury Al Goethals by the time of that accident at the Helium Reserve, so I can honestly say it didn't happen on my shift. Of course I was responsible... voted twice to keep the damn thing funded as a courtesy to a colleague in Texas whose own vote I needed on behalf of certain locals at Lexmark... which then rewarded us by downsizing near a thousand constituents and oughta be called "Mexmark", now... anyway, half of Amarillo floated off a’fore those FEMA people came in, tied it down.

          Helium's not so bad as some... doesn't explode, doesn't combine with other gases to make fumes that'll burn out eyes and lungs. Just makes things rise up and people start talking Donald Ducklike... forever, if you get too big a dose, as those visiting Generals down in Amarillo found out. So Congress had to pension off a dozen floaty four-stars and brigadiers before their time... hard to march into a Costa Rican jungle or a Slovakian forest full of wolves, witches and Russians and, maybe, get shot on the say-so of any General as quacks out orders like Donald Duck.

          The Federal Helium Reserve's just one of thousands of Congressional pork projects, most of which do, at least, keep people in districts at work and children fed. (S'also a grand source of campaign contributions.) You got right-sliced pork, divvied up between subsidies for corporate billionaires, the prison-industrial complex and Pentagonistas... not for boots on the ground, but for pomp and brass like our upcoming Trumparaderisen from the dead as a consequence of the Congress cutting deals with Djonald Unchained to not tell his MAGots to come to Washington and kill politicians. Our Navy now has one admiral for every two ships, as opposed to one per 130 during World War II, the Air Force one general per 21 airplanes, as opposed to one per 244 in 1945.

          Your left-slicers, meanwhile, tend to rub their liberal stilettos with sanctimonious poisons afore they slip between your ribs.

          Footsteps on a moonless night in old Venice or Florence, maybe; upwardly explosion of pigeons from cobblestones... a horrid stench of putrefaction, briefest instant's glimpse of cruel, plague-ravaged faces beneath Carnival maska, and then... Eternity!

          The NEA (such as grows art pork, not teacher pork) throws four hundred large at J. Evan Lighter, this university hustler down in Knoxville, for a 1006 page Dictionary of American Slang (as proved mostly out-of-fashion cusswords)... then let his German publishers charge fifty bucks a pop atop of that! "Retraining" scams churn out thousands of Rust Belt fingernail manicurists, Enterprise Zone schemes, as set mountain and valley people of my father's day scrapping over EZ handouts... ultimately the exhumation of infamous "Negro Removal" projects, where city slums were bulldozed, then money ran out, leaving tenants on the streets or under jails. So liberal welfare-state and right-wing PIC private porkers poke their piggly witchy pinky fingers in a hi-five, giggling like Oogieluvs at the distillery tour.

          Deficit?  What deficit??  And to hell with those people Harvied and wintered down in Houston, Irma’d in Miami and Laura’d in the Cajun country in between… let alone the Puerto Ricans… POTUS has his nice n’ naughty list for SCOTUS (when Justice Breyer dies or retires) as make three appointments, counting those assassinations, but here-again, gone-again, back again Majority Leader Mitchy stands ready to wield his new 51-49 club and keep the Supremes down to six Pubs to zero until ’24 and… well, figure it out.

          That as ain't coherently ideological or monetized is, sometimes, just plain strange. The World Health Organization drenched Borneo with DDT, illegal over here, so to kill off its bugs. The bugs went on living, though WHO's pesticides did kill off lizards, which ate them, then all the island's cats, which snacked on lizards. As a result, millions of plague-bearing rodents descended on villages and, according to Tim Redmond and Marc Mowrey's book "Not In Our Back Yard", the United States doled out more cash " help parachute in new cats to control the vermin."

          Speaking of rats in foreign places (that execrable 2022 was their year, like twenty one and twenty after all), we have a holy host of vermin agencies like the World Bank, IMF, Export-Import and such (as never met a Don Jones Index beancounter or psychopathic dictator they didn't like) showering American taxdollars at nationalized criminality from Algeria to Zimbabwe... even at Chinese dragons and the oil an’ natural gas-rich Russian mafia, now led by this dude Kapusta who translates, certain leaky leakers at the NSC and NIA let me know, as "The Cabbage" hacking American financial sites. Big-time F.O. Joe, of course.  Why not! Our own organized crime's rakin' in big cabbage off gumment corned beef... bailed-out savings and loans as would rather pass the government swag to its own bossmen and ladies than loan it out to Don Joneses to buy houses or start businesses.  Stir in a few trillion in tobacco subsidies, breaking up predatory but stable monopolies like Microsoft and the phone company so as to brew up a whole sauerkraut barrel of confusion and chaos not seen since some cities discovered crack gangs starting to move the kat.

          Extend the Covid Stage Seven subsidies to the unemployed so as to stop the food riots and suicides?  Sure – but have the able bodied work for their relief, the way they did in 1933.  Fix things as needed fixin’.  Make things as need makin’ but which the big corporations thumb their noses at because the profits are too low.  That’s the Catfish way and… truth to tell… it ain’t new.  Fellow of the name of F. Delano Roosevelt used to do that as was called the W.P.A. – not the “welfare” but the works progress administration.  Kept things going near on a decade until World War II.

          Now I'm not saying our Deep State bureaucracies are that much more corrupt or incompetent (or, on the other hand, omnipotent… pacé Jason Chaffed) than any as flourished since the Harding/Coolidge Golden Age, the royal courts of Europe in Dick Whittington's day, or among certain Asian dynasties where dragon ladies and eunuchs and Emperors with six-foot-long fingernails oppressed their toiling masses. We've had 'em ourselves, and for more than a century as a reaction to that cruelty overclasses wield against those beneath them, just because they can.  Take a gander at our DJI back in the day if’n you have the strong stomach!  Thank the Smithfield and Tyson people, if you will, for the metastasization of OSHA... after they refused to let workers go to outhouses, just to keep them in their place, so many began crapping themselves (and the wings and chitlins people eat) it had to become a matter for the bureaucracies. Marc Linder, this Iowa law professor, even wrote an effin' book on employers as feed their macho by making employees crap themselves, calling it... and I kid you not... "Void Where Prohibited". The problem, Linder says, is "much more widespread than we had originally believed."  S’worse now, with so many out of work and so many robots and Chinese and Chinese robots lined up to take more jobs.

          Try reaching a consumer hotline when the gizmo that you bought don’t gizz no more?  You get a recording with a numerical option, each of which leads to another recording with more of the same and another until you hang up in disgust and hate.  Didn’t think to say so, but I sort of miss those incompetent but earnest gals and fellows out there in Bollywood who at least tried to communicate – and sometimes even did.  Can’t dial Zero either anymore… they’re on to that ploy.

          Even capitalism's mighty apologist, Adam Smith, remarked on tendencies for his "men of system..." as "cannot suffer the slightest deviation" to obsessively arrange people like pawns on a chessboard and so usurp the Invisible Hand as was reachin' for a sheet of Charmin'.  Last two Presidential election a lot of Joneses were set to wonderin’ whether to vote for one ex-President’s wife, another’s vice duck on wheels or the loud guy endorsed by Nazis and the KKK as lifted so many of his speeches from that “Machete” movie that he oughta pay royalties to Robert Rodriguez, Robert DeNiro and Danny Trejo which role he reprised… he’s an Entertainer, and never denied it.  Or give it up and vote for those Greens, as nominated some old Doctor, or the Libertarians, who chose the dope peddler over the murder fugitive… in my humble estimation, a bad mistake… or that guy with the boot on his head..  (More on those options anon, as also has developed the meaning of more Q than thee!)  Once upon the time, Ameriswine abided by the codes of conduct regarding el nepotismo (even if we did have to endure John Quincy Adams and Benjamin Harrison). A century back, this Tammany termite, name of George Washington Plunkitt, even differentiated between "honest and dishonest graft"... explaining, of the former: "I seen my opportunities, and I took 'em!" Honest graft kept people fed during the depression, resulting in highways, sewers and various works of "magnificence and utility" as directed by our Founding Fathers.

          Two Supreme Court vacancies, two apparently underemployed Trump boys now that they’re back from their latest safari with a kaboodle full of elephant tusks n’ trunks and trunks of rhinocerous, giraffe, plague bats and monkey heads.  Be very afraid!  

          So this Catfish would start off his fifth-party campaign (or sixth, if my buddy Austin files first) bringing our debt under control by dismantling bureaucracy, but slowly! And, of course, discriminatingly. At least until the various users and abusers in the private sector are deterred or detoured away from their depravities by real sanctions… like jail terms.

          Have to find some chow to keep the PIC afloat – wouldn’t want Florence, Colorado or Leavenworth, Kansas goin’ bankrupt!

          So sup up the sauerkraut, comrades, join the CNC and vote for candidates as we run or, at the least, endorse. 'Else consider investing in Perfessor Ev's cuss-dictionary for a few choice phrases, as best explain such situation as finds us floating away on the gumment helium, and without parachutes, or pussies, the either!