The Journal

 

Serving the Metropolitan Area

  

Since 1872

 

April 13th

 

SPRINGTIME for CATFISH!

 

By Jack Parnell - retired Congressman and Independent Presidential candidate

 

Syndicated by Acme Features

  

          Back in the day, when I sat down with Austin Tillerman, the boys and a nice lady cowpoke name of Jody, what we got around to... after the implosion of Reform and venom against Nader, the mess that followed, and the Obama-Bush-Clinton mess that followed that... was how, basically, NAFTA only proved the point we warn't no better off than Mexicans, politically.  (The week’s Don Jones Index finally got around to naming the best and worst countries in the world, and how the United States clocked in wasn’t pretty.)  America's Institutional Party, having two wings, had given up any pretense of reform, let alone revolution, so the Democrats had to be helped along on their collective task of withering away, leaving that angry red pimple called the Republican party to explode from the center out, spewing its pus all over everywhere.

          So we set about looking at how to accomplish this, and wrote up these Ten Commandments for takin' back America.  From all of them!

          Early on, a mangy mob of monkeywrenchers, sneaky Greens, ex-Reforms, ex-Laroachies and the such came knockin', still covered with the ashes of Y2K and 911. Didn't exactly mix well with our Michigan and Texas militias... let alone Colorado and Kentucky mountain folk. Letting cranks hang around provokes nothing but trouble! A'fore you know it: dozens of 'em sleeping in your basement, in shifts, Attorney General on the box, calling your spread their 'compound'!  Austin can have that demographic – welcome to it!  So we wrote up the First: Keep the nuts at arms’ length! (As opposed to keeping your arms at nuts’-length!)

          The first time A. G. Goethals let me work on the Senator's campaign, I was just out of college, full of myself, so Al gives me this timetable with, on the first Monday and Tuesday in November, the initials GOTV. Being young and full of sass, I said: "Mister Goethals, sir, I understand Monday night football and such, but don't you think our money would be better spent over the weekend than on Tuesday morning soaps?" Al took a long sigh, reminding himself as we were the boob-tube generation, before patting my head and remarking: "Boy, GOTV means gettin' out the vote, not goin' on the damn television!" Therefore, our Commandment Two: keep amateurs out of the smoke-filled room, as where the decidings get done!

          Now abstractions are all well and good, but voters like matters explained in terms of personalities, so, in drafting a charter for the CNC, we've followed that tried and tested rule: choose unpopular enemies! Keep mobile: when the gay bridegroom panics run out of vigor, on to Mexicans, birds and Unapissers. If the Democratic party… even lacking a brain, a heart and backbone… was able to take over Congress on that page-molestin' scuzzball from Florida, Lord knows... there's enough bipartisan termitery to raise up a dozen new parties! If'n it comes down to the party of oily Wall Street job exportin' embezzlers agin' that of America-hating trial lawyers as helped these California prisoners sue for gumment-paid tinfoil to wrap around heads to keep the prison from broadcasting his thoughts over loudspeakers... well, like them bumperstickers over in Kampala used to say: "Dada Happens!"

          Now Donkey-boys an' Elephant-gals never tire of the either/or... if you're agin' the greedy trial lawyers, you must be for corrupt insurance companies; don't want Costa Ricans streaming into Costa Mesa, have to be for the war. Where it comes to tackling either of two bad alternatives, why not the both? So our Commandamente Cuatro: find (or make up) common grounds between two adversaries as are too proud to occupy themselves, squat over ‘em and declare the war done with, problem solved por moí!

          On the other hand, the Fifth Commandment is practice creative inconsistency. Demand that backwoods death sentences handed down by hanging judges be verified by the DNA, if applicable, while standing agin' the liberal pro-criminal nonsense by putting termination to what I call the Stupid Juror Laws. Whack a partisan clown, now and again, so that voters won't lose all respect for you! Occupy the center and periphery… the doughnut and the hole - work outwards from the former, inwards from the latter, and always take the side of the common sense.

          Number six: cannibalize rivals. Venerate martyrs ('cept for the Tim McVeigh, David Koresh and Ramsey Tate types). Do a little historical scavengery work, scoop up Democratic and trumped-up Republican trash as may become CNC treasure. A whole squatload of Democrats went over the wall after three straight wipeouts, but the ACLU and the Libertarians took in Bob Barr and Dick Armey started hanging sheetrock for Habitat once the long shadow of jail darkened over him. As the platforms of the big parties grow increasingly rigid and chaotic, keep an eye open for potential defectors. Come our convention, we'll parade a whole armada of Conks as have come to the true religion, however late in life.

          Once we've declared a party, keep goin' door to door, signing up memberships and fundraising (our side peddlin' Rayna’s Modes cosmetics, Austin sellin' his American-made guns). Building up neighborhood watch committees as do good locally, so's to avoid the topheavy situation as makes most new parties disappear, after awhile.  Works over in Lebanon with the Hamas… or, is that Hezbollah?… it’ll work here, too.  When stepping up to the mid-level... Congress, state legislators and offices below Governorships, some Mayors, maybe: pick off the easy targets. Politics is full of sleazeballs as whom inhaled, ejaculated and imbibed, the crooks and bullies, the stamp-stealers, military jet hitchhikers and wastewater price-fixers. We had a safe Democratic and another safe Republican district where the uncontested representatives got indicted after their names couldn't be taken off the ballot - which is why there's a Green and a Libertarian in Congress. Those other parties' arrogance will be the making of the CNC... anywhere there's a contest of the "least unfit"... (as described by Clinton-hater turned Bush-hater James Bovard)... there ought to be catfish pointin' fins and sweepin' up on the bottom of the river.

          Which brings up Commandment Nine: smile, dammit, smile! Carter talked malaise, Reagan reminisced 'bout Jimmy Stewart and the Hepburn gals. Reagan won. Junior Bush promoted "a conservatism with a smile, not a conservatism with a frown," and, when terrorism struck, America sent gloomy Pickle John Kerry to the woodshed, thence to a sentence as Sec State, butting heads with Iranian rug dealers.  After that, same bulldada with O-man and Palin providing the winks, McCain and Biden the nods!  And, once they let you into the debates, don’t interrupt the moderator!

          Finally, be quick to declare victory... even if of a moral sort... move on, and shrug off disappointments as the rear-window outgrowth of people's prejudices against all organizations as stand up against the system. Those Philippine tire deflation cultists as swore "God's way of stopping bad deeds" was to let out God's air before Y2K? Well... the judge laughed at 'em, but they'd responded the world was still around because of those tires they'd icepicked!

          Every day, in February and March, the world tilts a bit closer to the sun... so little a body would hardly notice it. But, one day... this April, maybe, or May in some places... the clouds break, the sun comes out and flowers are busting open everywhere! Who'da thunk any one of those little sunbeams in winter would've combined with others to bring about springtime? Any new organization as jumps out the box gets a sort of honeymoon, a springtime when maximum free and mostly favorable publicity becomes available... when the Koch fueled and funded “Freedom” caucus splits off from The Donald and runs its own candidate (Mike Pence?) when Pat Robertson and Ron Paul huddle with Al Sharpton, Reverend Wright and Don King to birth two more new parties to peel voters off’n the Pubs an’ Rats like rotten wallpaper!  Who'da thunkit that... that a few CNC members, working with their neighbors to clean up the block, would go on to clean up their city, their state, their America.

          I'm fully enjoying this springtime for the CNC... if only because I know how hot a DeeCee summer can get!

   

CLICK the CATFISH to go to PAST and PRESENT EPISODES of "BLACK HELICOPTERS" and to OTHER JACK PARNELL COLUMNS

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