The Journal
Serving the Metropolitan Area
Since 1872
April 13th
SPRINGTIME for CATFISH!
By Jack Parnell - retired Congressman and Independent Presidential
candidate
Syndicated
by Acme Features
Back in the day,
when I sat down with Austin Tillerman, the boys and a
nice lady cowpoke name of Jody, what we got around to... after the implosion of
Reform and venom against Nader, the mess that followed, the Trump-0-rama mess
as followed that... was how, basically, NAFTA only proved the point we warn't no better off than Mexicans, politically. Our Don
Jones Index of five-some years back
compared American happiness with the UN’s surveyors by naming the happiest, bestest and worst countries in the world, (how these United
States clocked in wasn’t pretty then, nor now.) America's Institutional Party buzzard, having two
wings, had given up any pretense of reform, let alone revolution, so the
Democrats had to be helped along on their collective task of withering away,
leaving that angry orange pimple called the Republican party to explode from
the center out, spewing its pus and microbes all over everyone and everywhere.
So we set about looking
at how to accomplish this, and wrote up these Ten Commandments for takin' back
Early on, before even
the 2020 race and our decision, based upon reality, not to go for the gold without
a little organizing, first, a mangy mob of monkeywrenchers,
sneaky Greens, ex-Reforms, ex-Laroachies, men with
bad teeth in camo, Capitol hangmen and the such came knockin', still covered with the ashes of Y2K, 9-11 and... soon to follow... the One Six. Didn't
exactly mix well with our Michigan and Texas militias... let
alone the Harlem and Chicago homeboys or the Colorado and Kentucky mountain
folk. Letting cranks hang ‘round provokes nothing but trouble! A'fore you know it: dozens of 'em sleeping in your
basement, in shifts, empty tinfoil cartons in the dumpster, Attorney General on
the box, right-leaners callin’
your spread their 'compound', lefties their ‘sanctuary’! Austin can have that demographic – welcome to rassle Djonald Unsane for it! So we
wrote up the First: Keep the nuts at arms’
length! (As opposed to keeping your
arms at nuts’-length!)
Speaking of Aygees, the first time A. G. Goethals let me work on the
Senator's campaign, I was just out of college, full of myself, so Al gives me
this timetable with, on the first Monday and Tuesday in November, the initials
GOTV. Being young and full of nomenklatural sass and
vigor, I said: "Mister Goethals, sir, I understand Monday night football
and such, but don't you think our money would be better spent over the weekend
than on Tuesday morning soaps?" Al took a long sigh, reminding himself as
we were the boob-tube generation, before patting my head and remarking: "Boy,
GOTV means gettin' out the vote, not goin'
on the God-damn television!" Therefore, our Commandment Two: keep amateurs out of the smoke-filled rooms, as where decidings get done!
Now abstractions are
all well and good, but voters like matters explained in terms of personalities,
so, in drafting a charter for the CNC, we've followed that tried and tested
truism: choose unpopular enemies! Keep mobile:
when the gay bridegroom panics run out of vigor, mosey on to tranny toilets. Mexican rapists, birds
and germs and Unapissers. If the Democratic
party… even lacking a brain, a heart and backbone… was able to hold onto
Congress on that page-molestin' scuzzball
from Florida, Lord knows... there's enough bipartisan termitery
to raise up a dozen new parties! If'n it comes down
to the party of oily Wall Street job exportin'
embezzlers agin' that of America-hating trial lawyers
as helped Kam-mala and these California prisoners sue
for gumment-paid tinfoil
to wrap around heads to keep the prison from broadcasting his thoughts over loudspeakers...
well, like them bumperstickers over in Kampala used
to say: "Dada Happens!"
Now Donkey-boys
an' Elephant-gals never tire of the either/or... if you're agin'
greedy trial lawyers, you must be for corrupt insurance companies; don't
want Costa Ricans streaming into Costa Mesa, have to be for the war. Where it
comes to tackling either of two bad alternatives, why not the both? So our Commandamente
Cuatro: find (or make up) common grounds between
two adversaries as are too proud to occupy themselves, pivot your butts into
the middle, squat over ‘em and declare the war done with, problem solved por moí now that our American go-fundees
have come to the relief of the Notre Dame fire means we can be friends with the
French again (even their old people, as some describe as over 62) – which is a
good thing seeing that Djonald Unchained and Boris
Undead are still scrapping over that
lady biker killer as running back home and claiming diplomatic immunity!
On the other hand, the
Fifth Commandment, one that our past and current incumbents
has mastered, is practice creative inconsistency.
Demand that backwoods death sentences handed down by hanging judges be verified
by the DNA, if applicable, while standing agin' the
liberal pro-criminal nonsense by putting termination to what I call the Stupid
Juror Laws. Whack a partisan clown, now and again, so that voters won't lose
all respect for you! Occupy the center and periphery… the doughnut and the hole - work outwards from the
former, inwards from the latter, and always take the side of the common sense.
Practice kickin’ cans as will roll downhill for
months instead of weeks. (Although if you do decide to Occupy Maa-a-loxo, you have got to be prepared to handle the consequences.)
Number six: cannibalize rivals. Venerate martyrs ('cept for the Tim
McVeigh, David Koresh and Ramsey Tate sorts). Do a little historistical
scavengery work, scoop up Democratic and trumped-up
Republican trash as may become CNC treasure. A whole squatload
of Democrats went over the wall after three straight wipeouts, but the ACLU and
the Libertarians took in Bob Barr and Dick Armey started hanging sheetrock for Habitat
once the long shadow of jail darkened over him. (Hear Michael Cohen’s angling
to become a Conk, but on that see Number One, above.) As the platforms of the big parties grow increasingly
rigid and chaotic, keep an eye open for potential defectors. Come our
convention, we'll parade a whole armada of Conks as have come to the true religion,
however late in life. We’ll even take
Mister Bannon, long as he’s not indicted yet. Again…
Once we've declared
a party, keep goin' door to door, signing up
memberships and fundraising (our side peddlin' Rayna’s Modes cosmetics,
Which brings up Commandment
Nine: smile, dammit,
smile! Carter talked malaise, Reagan
reminisced 'bout Jimmy Stewart and those Hepburn gals. Reagan won. Junior Bush
promoted "a conservatism with a smile, not a
conservatism with a frown," and, when terrorism struck, America sent
gloomy Pickle John Kerry to the woodshed, thence to a sentence as climate czar,
thence Sec State, butting heads with Iranian rug dealers. After that, same bulldada
with O-man and Palin providing the winks, McCain and
Biden the nods! And, once they let you
into the debates, don’t interrupt the moderator! Two thirds of Americans don’t like that and
them as do – you don’t want em anyhow. Ask Doug Burgum.
Finally, be quick to
declare victory... even if of a moral sort... move on, and shrug off
disappointments as the rear-window outgrowth of people's prejudices against all
organizations as stand up against the system. Our current Chief Executive does
it, his predecessor did, why not us? Those Philippine tire deflation cultists as swore "God's way
of stopping bad deeds" was to let out God's air before Y2K? Well...
the judge laughed at 'em, but they'd responded the world was still around because
of those tires they'd icepicked!
Every day, in
February and March, the world tilts a bit closer to the sun... so little a body
would hardly notice it. But, one day... in April, maybe, or May, some places...
the clouds break, sun comes out and flowers are busting open everywhere! Who'da thunk any one of those
little sunbeams in winter would've combined with others to bring about
springtime? Any new organization as
jumps out the box gets a sort of honeymoon, a springtime when maximum free and
mostly favorable publicity becomes available... when the Koch fueled and funded
“Freedom” caucus splits off from The Donald and runs its own candidate (Mike
Pence?) when Pat Robertson and Ron Paul huddle with Al Sharpton,
Reverend Wright and Don King to birth two
more new parties to peel voters off’n the Pubs an’
Rats like rotten wallpaper! Who'da thunkit that... that a few
CNC members, working with their neighbors to clean up the block, would go on to
clean up their city, their state, their America.
I'm fully enjoying this
falltime springtime for the CNC in this Halloween for
the donkeys and elephants... if only because (after the plague-and-Putin
hectored winter we been through and the sweltering DeeCee
summer a’followin’) because I know how darned
unpleasant America’s capitol can get! But a caveat... that’s a sort of caviar that even
the poor can enjoy if they’re smart... third parties that lean closer to one
faction than the other will ensure the victory of the party or candidate they
like or respect even less. Thus, Austin Tillerman and I are talking up a deal to maybe run third and fourth party challenges if the expected,
and dreaded, Trump-Biden sequel rises from its grave. Maybe fifth and sixth or even seventh, considering
Bobby Junior and his war on Tylenol, that Green guy and we haven’t even heard
from the Libertarians yet (and won’t until after Trump is nominated and one of
those bitter losers takes his revenge). If we didn’t, maybe the Bern could bolt the donkeys
and Pence UnHanged could bolt the elephants. Hell, even the entrance of Ye
and Puffy into the 2024 crunkfest would make it more
palatable.
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PAST and PRESENT EPISODES of "BLACK HELICOPTERS" and to OTHER JACK PARNELL COLUMNS |