The Journal


Serving the Metropolitan Area


Since 1872



September 10th


IMMORTAL (if not necessarily) BELOVED!


By Jack Parnell - retired Congressman and Independent Presidential candidate


Syndicated by Acme Features


         Pity, if you will, a gumment down to its last promise worth promisin'...

         The Immortality!

         Yes, all of us will live forever... if the Immortalists will have their way. People as been chasing that big "I" since this fusty ol’ German perfessor, name of Faust, cut his devil's deal, but forgot to include the youthfulness rider. So justifiable paranoia abounds. "We all live now as if we were working for some vast, national life-insurance company," was columnist Ellen Goodman's take on matters.

         Now those of you as who are of an age remember: back in the 50's and early 60's, schools sold dismemberment insurance in the classrooms – hundred dollar payout for a lost hand, eye or ear, two for one arm or leg, five for any pair of same. Thousand for the works! Pickin' and choosin' was a vanished ritual of autumn, like burning leaves and sandlot football... I'm not sure whether the intent was to stimulate creative thinking in morbid little minds, or morbid thinking in creative ones, but this Chinese menu of mutilation conditioning did its job. Continental Insurance Company's kidnap, abduction and school shooting policies... "less than two dollars a day!" (but with most inner city areas redlined)... now sell like effin' hotcakes to milk-carton terrified li'l rugrats as grew up unkidnapped and have rugrats of their own, whom they drive fifty feet to the schoolhouse rather than let ‘em walk and maybe get molested by the ice-cream man! Litigation compels manufacturers to childproof everything, from guns to pillboxes of arthritis pills, and those ice cream trucks prohibited from neighborhoods, due not only to the molestation, but to a fear of cone-carbs, or free-range kids gettin' run over.

         "There is no end to the list of things we should and shouldn't do," conservative columnist Guy Wright observed, "and no shortage of people who would like to have a law to make us do what they think is best."

         After a few lost decades among the drugs and AIDS, cheeseburgers and disco, the "lite" years are vengefully upon us. "People are desperately trying to establish a sense of control by self-denial," explains Manhattan headshrinker Mari Terzaghi. The "lite" beer and bread, corporately diluted with water and sawdust (at double the price!), inevitably breeds a need for lite educations, where racist, patriarchal difficult abominations as math, science and English have been pulled out of public schools like bad molars in favor of "esteem-curricula" like basket-weaving and gender-reversal roleplay.

         "Professors should have less freedom of expression than writers and artists," gloats Barbara Johnson of Yale, "because professors are supposed to be creating a better community." (emphasis added)

         "Heroes despise Death," objected the politically incorrect Oswald Spengler, "saints despise Life." Another famous enemy of the victim culture, Mr. Nietzsche, once growled: "the Kingdom of Heaven of the poor in spirit has begun."

         "The idea that our individual lives and the nation's life can and should be risk-free has grown to be an obsession..." remarked Henry Fairlie upon the aftermath of the Apollo and Challenger disasters, "...threatening to create an unbuoyant and uninventive society."  So a serious ‘Publican candidate for Job One timidly ventures that we might get back to the moon by 2040.

         Our legal-psychiatric complex, now, rewards inventively clumsy burglars, and cuckoo criminals with too much or little self-esteem... as that elephant trainer from Knoxville who claimed that, as his quadruple murder was committed by only one of his multiple personalities, it would be unfair to jail or execute the rest of himselves! Animals, of course, deserve legal standing, too... at least the baby seals, protected lions and spotted owls of a thousand solicitations, while mentally-ill homeless people suffer and strike back on the streets because, as one L.A. advocate noted: "We're not cute!"

         What’s going on in taxpayer-funded universities?  Duck-lover Anne Sterling's pet peeve is the slander of mallards as serial rapists, because rape... by definition... can only stem from "human patriarchy". Vegetables? Don't dare slander spinach or disparage limp asparagus in Maryland... that State Senate put its anti-defamation law on the books after Oprah's Texas beef beef.

         "The existence of victims is an indictment of the system and validates the liberal desire for 'change'," pronounced conservative Jeffrey Hart, echoing Eugene McCarthy's contemptuous dismissal of LBJ's Great Society... "to make ignorance, mental retardation, ill health, and even ugliness illegal."

         "Unpredictability is often a sign of life," the paleo-con Hart added "and I enjoy it whenever I see it."

         As is common among Squeamish, as feel an entitlement to run other people's lives, some of the most fanatical Immortalists are Immoralists whose own bodies rebelled against youthful excess and the pause as did more than refresh. Many former libertines and student revolutionaries now haunt twelve-step groups and "closure" lobbies and exploit their self-victimization to meet celebrities and obtain attention that, otherwise, would never accrue to aging, burned-out scolds. "If you don't have an addiction to talk about you're almost out of luck!" says Dr. G. Alan Marlatt, of the Addictive Behavior Research Center in Seattle.

         "If something tastes really good, it is probably bad. And if something tastes really dull, it is probably good," wrote Mike Royko, in Chicago. Then he died, proving his point. And the gumment banned vile-tasting but buzzless hemp lollipops on the thoughtcrime of inciting stoners to pretend they were sucking the Devil's shrubbery and thirty-two state legislatures criminalized electronic cigarettes for leading impressionable youth on to believe that smoking real tobacco is Kool. Other dead white Chicago guy, Nelson Algren (as wrote that dope movie with Frank Sinatra screaming in his closet), quoted some judge, as may or may not have existed, saying, more or less, about the sorry procession of bums, hypes and grifters as appeared before him every day: "they won't work, and you can't shoot them..." (this before lethal injection allowed high criminals to exeunt like unwanted puppies instead of evil human scum unless gumment supplies of one or another components of the chemical cocktail run out and the ACLU lawyers start whining about the pain and suffering of those who, for example, rape, torture and murder little children), "... so what the hell do you do with 'em?"

         Well, under a Catfish Presidency, Congress would have to bite that bullet on the public health. Either we dump all our sex, dope and chocolate covered peanut laws down the john and flush twice (enacting Pittacine "aggravation" statutes to dampen real crime and jackass camps in forests and deserts so pervs and derelicts won't clog our cities any more than they do so now) or get consistent and serious about making Americans immortal (whether they wish so or not) by making possession and/or consumption of alcohol, tobacco, non-missionary sex, meat and refined sugar crimes. Repeal the 23rd Amendment as repealed the 19th.  Don't we all want to be like the vassels of the good burg of Calabasas, California, as outlawed ciggies everywhere except at home, with a permit? Appoint Mayor Bloomberg Surgeon General with plenipotentiary powers and install a smoke detector in every home and surveillance devices in every crapper as can analyze the composition of organic waste and immediately notify police of violations.  Fun to see all them ol' tobacco and Coca Cola lobbyteers rolling around in dirt with Rottweilers ripping their European suits to tatters, loose Winstons bouncing from their boxers as ATF agents Rodney King'em with the grandkids crying and neighbors gawking, then haul 'em off to jail! Not to mention Rush Limbaugh on the dope and calories, both, them as wannabe Seth Rogan, or that creepy Johnny Deepy pirate from the two chocolate movies, if'n he ever comes back from France...

         Six AM rising time and public calisthenics, too! "When you quit exercising," nonagenarian evangelist Jack LaLanne tied the whole sweet potato pie together with Dominion's shoelaces before God called him to breakfast (gluten-free granola, skim milk, no coffee), "the Devil will get you!"

         So let’s send out condemned crooks onwards and downwards by injecting them with a cheap, easily obtainable death-drug that might offend victims’ relatives for letting those as murdered their loved ones die with a smile on their faces, but die… all the same…


         "As man suffers from the same physical evils as lower animals," allowed Chuckie Darwin in his "Descent of Man", "...he has no right to expect an immunity from the evils consequent on the struggle for existence."

         Ain’t much of a Donald fan, but I could see telling America’s Big Nanny: “You’re fired!”