The Journal
Serving
the Metropolitan Area
Since
1872
September 10th
IMMORTAL (if not necessarily) BELOVED!
By Jack Parnell - retired Congressman and Independent Presidential
candidate
Syndicated by
Acme Features
Pity, if you will, a gumment down to its last
promise worth promisin'...
The Immortality!
Yes, all of us will
live forever... if the Immortalists will have their way. People as been chasing that
big "I" since this fusty ol’ German perfessor, name of Faust, cut his devil's deal, but forgot
to include the youthfulness rider. So justifiable
paranoia abounds. "We all live now as if we were working for some
vast, national life-insurance company," was columnist Ellen Goodman's take
on matters.
Now those of you as
who are of an age remember: back in the 50's and early 60's, schools sold
dismemberment insurance in the classrooms – hundred dollar payout for a lost
hand, eye or ear, two for one arm or leg, five for any pair of same. Thousand
for the works! Pickin' and choosin'
was a vanished ritual of autumn, like burning leaves and sandlot football...
I'm not sure whether the intent was to stimulate creative thinking in morbid
little minds, or morbid thinking in creative ones, but this Chinese menu of
mutilation conditioning did its job. Continental Insurance Company's kidnap, abduction and school shooting policies... "less than two dollars a day!" (but with most inner city
areas redlined)... now sell like effin' hotcakes to
milk-carton terrified li'l rugrats
as grew up unkidnapped and have rugrats
of their own, whom they drive fifty feet to the schoolhouse rather than let ‘em walk and maybe get molested by the ice-cream man!
Litigation compels manufacturers to childproof everything, from guns to
pillboxes of arthritis pills, and those ice cream trucks prohibited from
neighborhoods, due not only to the molestation, but to a fear of cone-carbs, or
free-range kids gettin' run over.
"There is no end
to the list of things we should and shouldn't do," conservative columnist
Guy Wright observed, "and no shortage of people who would like to have a
law to make us do what they think is best."
After a few lost
decades among the drugs and AIDS, cheeseburgers and disco, the "lite"
years are vengefully upon us. "People are desperately trying to establish
a sense of control by self-denial," explains Manhattan headshrinker Mari Terzaghi. The "lite"
beer and bread, corporately diluted with water and sawdust (at double the
price!), inevitably breeds a need for lite educations, where racist,
patriarchal difficult abominations as math, science and English have
been pulled out of public schools like bad molars in favor of
"esteem-curricula" like basket-weaving and gender-reversal roleplay.
"Professors
should have less freedom of expression than writers and
artists," gloats Barbara Johnson of Yale, "because professors are
supposed to be creating a better community." (emphasis added)
"Heroes despise
Death," objected the politically incorrect Oswald Spengler, "saints
despise Life." Another famous enemy of the victim culture, Mr. Nietzsche,
once growled: "the Kingdom of Heaven of the poor in spirit has
begun."
"The idea that
our individual lives and the nation's life can and should be risk-free has
grown to be an obsession..." remarked Henry Fairlie
upon the aftermath of the Apollo and Challenger disasters, "...threatening
to create an unbuoyant and uninventive society." So a serious ‘Publican candidate for Job One
timidly ventures that we might get back
to the moon by 2040.
Our legal-psychiatric
complex, now, rewards inventively clumsy burglars, and
cuckoo criminals with too much or little self-esteem... as that elephant
trainer from
What’s going on in
taxpayer-funded universities? Duck-lover
Anne Sterling's pet peeve is the slander of mallards as serial rapists, because
rape... by definition... can only stem from "human
patriarchy". Vegetables? Don't dare
slander spinach or disparage limp asparagus in Maryland... that State Senate
put its anti-defamation law on the books after Oprah's Texas beef
beef.
"The existence
of victims is an indictment of the system and validates the liberal desire for
'change'," pronounced conservative Jeffrey Hart, echoing Eugene McCarthy's
contemptuous dismissal of LBJ's Great Society... "to
make ignorance, mental retardation, ill health, and even ugliness
illegal."
"Unpredictability
is often a sign of life," the paleo-con Hart added "and I enjoy it
whenever I see it."
As is common among
Squeamish, as feel an entitlement to run other people's lives, some of the most
fanatical Immortalists are Immoralists whose own
bodies rebelled against youthful excess and the pause as did more than refresh.
Many former libertines and student revolutionaries now haunt twelve-step groups
and "closure" lobbies and exploit their self-victimization to meet
celebrities and obtain attention that, otherwise, would never accrue to aging,
burned-out scolds. "If you don't have an addiction to talk about you're
almost out of luck!" says Dr. G. Alan Marlatt,
of the Addictive Behavior Research Center in Seattle.
"If something
tastes really good, it is probably bad. And if something tastes really dull, it
is probably good," wrote Mike Royko, in Chicago.
Then he died, proving his point. And the gumment
banned vile-tasting but buzzless hemp lollipops on
the thoughtcrime of inciting stoners to pretend they
were sucking the Devil's shrubbery and thirty-two state legislatures
criminalized electronic cigarettes for leading impressionable youth on to
believe that smoking real tobacco is Kool. Other dead white Chicago guy, Nelson
Algren (as wrote that dope movie with Frank Sinatra screaming in his closet),
quoted some judge, as may or may not have existed, saying, more or less, about
the sorry procession of bums, hypes and grifters as
appeared before him every day: "they won't work, and you can't shoot
them..." (this before lethal injection allowed high criminals to exeunt
like unwanted puppies instead of evil human scum unless gumment
supplies of one or another components of the chemical cocktail run out and the
ACLU lawyers start whining about the pain and suffering of those who, for example,
rape, torture and murder little children), "... so what the hell do you do
with 'em?"
Well, under a Catfish
Presidency, Congress would have to bite that bullet on the public health.
Either we dump all our sex, dope and chocolate covered peanut laws down the
john and flush twice (enacting Pittacine
"aggravation" statutes to dampen real crime and jackass camps in
forests and deserts so pervs and derelicts won't clog
our cities any more than they do so now) or get consistent and serious about
making Americans immortal (whether they wish so or not) by making possession
and/or consumption of alcohol, tobacco, non-missionary sex, meat and refined
sugar crimes. Repeal the 23rd Amendment as repealed
the 19th. Don't we all want
to be like the vassels of the good burg of
Six AM rising time
and public calisthenics, too! "When you quit exercising,"
nonagenarian evangelist Jack LaLanne tied the whole
sweet potato pie together with Dominion's shoelaces before God called him to
breakfast (gluten-free granola, skim milk, no coffee), "the Devil will get
you!"
So let’s send out
condemned crooks onwards and downwards by injecting them with a cheap, easily
obtainable death-drug that might offend victims’ relatives for letting those as
murdered their loved ones die with a smile on their faces, but die…
all the same…
Heroin.
"As man suffers
from the same physical evils as lower animals," allowed Chuckie Darwin in
his "Descent of Man", "...he has no right to expect an immunity from the evils consequent on the struggle for
existence."
Ain’t
much of a Donald fan, but I could see telling America’s Big Nanny: “You’re
fired!”
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