8) Friday, January 17th
– Sour Dreams
In Purley, one week later, Miz Lottie
sat enraptured by the tail end of a Judge Roy Coffee episode at three minutes before
six PM… cats and great-grandchildren crawling over her furniture… and leaned
forward, anticipating the best and in a state of suspense, since this was one
of those episodes where neither party had managed to particularly distinguish
themselves. The Judge seemed to agree,
frowning down at both the blowsy, blonde and pockmarked Plaintiff and
overweight Defendant…
“I find in favor of the Plaintiff, and
order Defendant to pay the sum of seven hundred fifty-six dollars, thirty cents
to your sorry ass,” Coffee ruled…
“But,” whined the Plaintiff, “I sued
for twelve hundred… bein’ on account of injury to muh mental health an’ reputation….”
“Seven fifty even,” the Judge
downgraded his decision. “An’ I’m
docking you ten bucks more every time you open that potty mouth again – wanna try?” The
Plaintiff shook her head, the Judge gaveled down his Judgement and a commercial
with cartoon graphics and a chirpy, omniscient Narrator replaced them all.
“Sports next… the Washington team suiting up
against the favored Cowboys in Sunday’s NFC wildcard tussle, but now, this Mega
High Def transition reminder from your local station, brought to you by that
coalition of retailers, manufacturers and telecommunications experts known as
the National Telecommunications Information Transition Partnership or, as we
all know it, NATIAP. It is recommended
that you be sure to sit three times the width of your new Mega High Definition
television from the set for maximum viewing experience. (And the family of cartoon squirrels obediently
moved back) If you have purchased a
forty-inch model, that would be ten feet… or fifteen, if you’re fortunate
enough to possess a sixty-inch…”
“Huh!” Miz Lottie started, perceiving movement on the couch to
the left of her throne out of the corner of her eye, she snapped… at a cat, or
a child, unseen… without turning her head: “Git offa
that couch!”
With a yowl, a small, gray feline
jumped from the couch and bolted towards the kitchen where General Westmoreland
Soames was trying to force a spoonful of mush into the maw of Uncle Raoul’s
youngest, two year old Trevor, while his father lay crashed in the spare room
upstairs, snoring wetly and dreaming those dreams that perpetual American
dreamers must.
“S’good! Eat ‘um up an’ you grow big, like Portis...
bring down a big contract, then you’re gonna buy your granma
a nice house in Virginia and… oh, shit…”
Bawling, Trevor had pushed his bowl
away, spattering mush over Cousin Westy, face affixed
into a defiant scowl as, from her throne in another room, Miz Lottie passed
Judgment on (and of) her own…
“Did I hear profanity? No profanity in this house!”
Knowing better than to back-talk, Wes
simply replied “Sorry!”
“Keep them chillun still, s’time for my news…”
And Ted Fraser dutifully manifested onscreen,
a curvaceous anchorhottie, Dru Capehart opposite.
“Welcome
to the evening news… brought to you by Honda, by Betford
and Walstrop, Accident Attorneys, by Giga-Plex and
your friendly, neighborhood Third-Fifth Bank… and what an assortment of news it
is! Homeland Security refuses to confirm
or deny that Flight #239 was brought down by an Iranian missile, as newly
selected House Speaker Thaddeus Beauregard Burke has gaveled a start to
litigation to remove recently elected President Biden… whose inauguration Monday
seems to be proceeding despite Congressional opposition and the chaos in the
Supreme Court (itself down to six justices with Biden’s appointment of a
replacement for Clarence Thomas blocked by the Senate, and replacements for the
two victims of #239 in abeyance).
A freakish heatwave in
the northern plains has caused snowmelt-induced flooding in Iowa and South
Dakota, provoking Nobel laureate and former Veep Al
Gore to call on the Congress not to walk out of the Chilean conference on
global warning even should the President be removed – in which case, lacking a
Vice President, Speaker Rivers would assume the Presidency. There are multiple legal conflicts arising as
we are now only three days until the start of the President’s new term...
should that survive... but the deaths of Vice President-elect Meldrim, the two justices, the Director of Homeland
Security, three members of the Joint Chiefs, two FCC officials and others, has
motivated the President to state that he will remain in office despite the proceedings
against him until matters can be sorted out.
The Republican majority remains adamant in its determination to impeach
or remove the President, and judicial precedent over whether President Biden
may be removed before Monday, pending conviction for high crimes and
misdemeanors allegedly committed by his son, Hunter, as well as in quote
unquote “allowing” the terrorists to shoot down Flight #239 and… in another
highly publicized transition… the depleted FCC, by a vote of three to two,
approved a four-day move-up of the Mega High Def changeover to midnight on the
Friday following Super Sunday, despite allegations of favoritism towards the
retailers and manufacturers represented on the MHDTV Advisory Panel, most of
whom also hold membership on the National Telecommunications Information
Transition Partnership, NATIAP or, as opponents of the changeover have taken to
calling it, NATITRAP. Turning to local
sports, Washington fans are gearing up for Sunday’s wildcard playoffs, though
the Comman... uh, Skins... un Football Team, again,
are nine point underdogs at Dallas, with the winner gaining the dubious
pleasure of taking on red-hot… or, should we say ice-cold Green Bay the
following Sunday, assuming the Packers get past struggling Seattle…”
And
Dru Capehart chimed in…
“So little time, so many
lawyers!”
Miz Lottie’s face remained glued to her small, fuzzy television
screen as the little Trevor’s gastronomic protests faded… over the Maryland line,
Tom fed Nancy his own dish of little white lies to the effect that he hadn’t
come home with the promised converter because he’d heard that there’d be
significant discounts offered by the cable and satellite companies, trying to
win back lost customers, while… in a hotel suite across town... other nascent
Eminences working for both parties were busy contacting sympathetic military
officers who, to a man (and women, too), swore that the officers, the troops
and the public would remain loyal to democratic principles, no matter what
controversies of the government or the gridiron arose…
Or not.
Within hours, David Lee would be sleeping… uneasily… dreaming of
cruel and surreal vistas that could not approach, in sheer audacity, the
previous week’s iniquities and inequities (after which... Team Goblin was
maintaining a low, almost negligible profile in fear of their jobs as an
ominous calm had descended upon the facility, as if it was in passage through
the eye of a Category 5 hurricane).
Craig Synch dreamed of the cashier, Vicki, unchastely, while Honey Keissler dreamed of Big Sonny (rather, Big Sonny’s bigger
money). And Tom and Westy,
two among many of the Washington metroplex millions, dreamed that their team,
their mocked and maligned and injury-mangled former ‘Skins, former Commanders
and now simply “football team” again while the new ownership tried to navigate
the pitfalls of political correctness blanketing the nation’s capital like a
cloud… their wildcard status secured by the modest winning streak that had
uplifted them into the three-way tie at .500 and toss of the coin that had
gained them entry into the wild-card playoffs… might somehow, some way, upset
destiny’s darlings, the much-injured but largely recovered and heavily-favored
Dallas Cowboys, America’s Team, in Sunday’s wildcard playoff game.
So a city and a world stretched and yawned in repose and if,
through any of those sleeping minds, passed a moment’s apprehension of change
afoot, waiting like a tiger in high grass to pounce upon their comfortable
circumstances, such wayward thought was quickly laid off on the weather or the
terrorists, or else Washington’s quadrennial raising and leveling of fortunes
that accompanied the partisan passing of the torch. Some would prosper, others retreat, but it
had always been the saving grace of the system that said torch never
inadvertently found tinder and engendered conflagrations beyond America’s
capacities. These coming weeks would be
no different.
Would they?
¾ ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾ ¾
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