The Journal
Serving the Metropolitan Area
Since 1872
September 8, 2026
ENTER the CABBAGE!
By Jack Parnell - retired Congressman and Independent Presidential
candidate
Syndicated
by Acme Features
I'd left the
Congress, been to Branson, even helped bury Al Goethals by the time of that
accident at the Helium Reserve, so I can honestly say it didn't happen on my
shift. Of course I was responsible... voted twice to keep the
damn thing funded as a courtesy to a colleague in Texas whose own vote I needed
on behalf of certain locals at Lexmark... which then rewarded us by downsizing
near a thousand constituents and oughta be called "Mexmark", now... anyway, half of Amarillo floated off a’fore those FEMA people came in, tied it down.
Helium's not so bad as some... doesn't explode, doesn't combine with other
gases to make fumes that'll burn out eyes and lungs if a Norfolk Southern trainload
of the stuff runs off the rails. Just makes things rise up and people start
talking Donald Ducklike... forever, if you get too big a dose, as those visiting
Generals down in Amarillo found out. So even as the DefSec
or WarSec or whomsoever Peetie
Pie calls himself now is decimating our military, Congress had to pension off a
dozen more floaty
four-stars and brigadiers before their time... hard to march into a Costa Rican
jungle, sail through the minefields of the Straits of Trump or transgress a
Slovakian forest full of wolves, witches and Russians and, maybe, get shot on
the say-so of any General as quacks out orders like Donald Duck.
The Federal Helium
Reserve's just one of thousands of Congressional pork projects, most of
which do, at least, keep people in districts at work and children fed. (S'also a grand source of campaign contributions.) You got right-sliced
pork, divvied up between subsidies for corporate billionaires, the prison-industrial
complex and Pentagonistas... not for the boots on the
ground as we needed last winter, but for pomp and brass like our upcoming Trumparade – risen from the dead as a consequence of the
Congress cutting deals with Djonald Unchained to not
tell his MAGots to come to Washington and kill
politicians. Our Navy now has one admiral for every two ships, as opposed to
one per 130 during World War II, the Air Force one general per 21 airplanes, as
opposed to one per 244 in 1945 and, while the helium and Hegseth are doing
their darnedest to chop those numbers down, we keep doling out appointments
like the free donuts on Labor Day.
Your left-slicers,
meanwhile, tend to rub their liberal stilettos with sanctimonious poisons afore
they slip between your ribs.
Footsteps on a
moonless night in old Venice or Florence, maybe; upwardly explosion of pigeons
from cobblestones... a horrid stench of putrefaction, briefest instant's
glimpse of cruel, plague-ravaged faces beneath Carnival maska,
and then... Eternity!
The NEA (such as
grows art pork, not teacher pork) throws four hundred large at J. Evan Lighter,
this university hustler down in Knoxville, for a 1006 page Dictionary of
American Slang (as proved mostly out-of-fashion cusswords)... then let his
German publishers charge fifty bucks a pop atop of that! Old Goneaway Joe’s "retraining"
scams churned out thousands of Rust Belt fingernail manicurists, Enterprise
Zone schemes, as set mountain and valley people of my father's day scrapping
over EZ handouts... ultimately the exhumation of infamous "Negro
Removal" projects, where city slums were bulldozed – then money ran out,
leaving tenants on the streets or under jails. So liberal welfare-state and
right-wing PIC private porkers poked their piggly witchly pinky fingers in a hi-five, giggling like Oogieluvs at the distillery tour.
Deficit? What deficit?? And to hell with those people Harvied and wintered down in Houston, Irma’d
in Miami and Laura’d in the Cajun country in between…
let alone the parched Puerto Ricans… POTUS has his nice n’ naughty list for
SCOTUS (when Justice Roberts dies or retires) as make three appointments,
counting those assassinations, but here-again, gone-again, back again Majority
Leader Mitchy stands ready to wield his new 51-49
club from his wheelchair and keep the Supremes down to six Pubs to zero asses
until the ’29 Restoration and… well, figure it out.
That as ain't coherently ideological or monetized is, sometimes, just
plain strange. The World Health Organization drenched Borneo with DDT, illegal
over here, so to kill off its bugs. The bugs went on living, though WHO's
pesticides did kill off lizards, which ate them, then all the island's cats,
which snacked on lizards. As a result, millions of plague-bearing rodents descended
on villages and, according to Tim Redmond and Marc Mowrey's
book "Not In Our Back Yard", the United States doled out more cash "...to
help parachute in new cats to control
the vermin."
Speaking of rats in
foreign places (that execrable 2022 was their year, like twenty one and twenty
after all), we have a holy host of vermin agencies like the World Bank, IMF,
Export-Import and such (as never met a Don Jones Index beancounter
or psychopathic dictator they didn't like) showering American taxdollars at nationalized criminality from Algeria to
Zimbabwe... even at Chinese dragons and the oil an’ natural gas-rich Russian
mafia, now led by this dude Kapusta who translates,
certain leaky leakers at the NSC and NIA let me know, as "The
Cabbage" hacking American financial sites. Big-time MUGGYA, so he got his
assets moved out into the jungle ahead of left-wing sanctioneers, of course. Why not! Our own organized crime's rakin' in big cabbage off gumment
corned beef... bailed-out savings and loans as would rather cut food stamps to
poor children as can still afford the cabbage, just not the meat; pass the government
swag to its own bossmen and ladies than loan it out at
higher and higher interest rates to Don Joneses to buy houses or start
businesses. Stir in a few trillion in
tobacco subsidies, breaking up predatory but stable monopolies like Microsoft
and the phone company so as to brew up a whole sauerkraut barrel of
crypto-confusion and plain chaos not seen since some cities discovered crack
gangs starting to move the kat.
Extend the Covid Stage Seven subsidies to the unemployed still hanging
‘round after we bring back the
draft so as to stop the food riots and
suicides? Sure – but have the able
bodied work for their relief, the way they did in 1933. Fix things as needed fixin’.
Make things as need makin’
but which the big corporations thumb their noses at because the profits are too
low. That’s the Catfish way and… truth
to tell… it ain’t new. Fellow of the name of F. Delano Roosevelt used
to do that as was called the W.P.A. – not the “welfare” but the works progress administration. Kept things going near on a decade until World
War II.
Now I'm not saying
our Deep State bureaucracies are that much more corrupt or incompetent (or, on
the other hand, omnipotent… pacé Jason Chaffied) than any as flourished since
the Harding/Coolidge Golden Age, the royal courts of Europe in Dick
Whittington's day, or among certain Asian dynasties where dragon ladies and
eunuchs and Emperors with six-foot-long fingernails oppressed their toiling
masses. We've had 'em ourselves, and for more than a century as a reaction to
that cruelty overclasses wield against those beneath them, just because they
can. Take a gander at our DJI back in
the day –
if’n you have the strong stomach! Thank the Smithfield and Tyson people, if you
will, for the metastasization of OSHA... after they
refused to let workers go to outhouses, just to keep them in their place, so
many began crapping themselves (and the wings and chitlins people eat) it had
to become a matter for the bureaucracies. Marc Linder, this Iowa law professor,
even wrote an effin' book on employers
as feed their macho by making employees crap themselves, calling it... and I
kid you not... "Void Where Prohibited". The problem, Linder says, is "much
more widespread than we had originally believed." S’worse now, with so
many out of work, so many robots and Chinese and Chinese robots lined up to
take more jobs and this here Flock n’ Glock surveillance
and ICE anxiety (see this Biden era DJI) and the
inflation’s still over five percent.
At least the robots don’t
piss in a corner of the janitor’s closet.
Try reaching a
consumer hotline when the gizmo that you bought don’t gizz
no more? You get a recording with a
numerical option, each of which leads to another recording with more of the
same and another until you hang up in disgust and hate. Didn’t think to say so, but I sort of miss those
incompetent but earnest gals and fellows out there in Bollywood who at least
tried to communicate – and sometimes even did. Can’t dial Zero either anymore… they’re on to that
ploy.
Even capitalism's
mighty apologist, Adam Smith, remarked on tendencies for his "men of
system..." as "cannot suffer the slightest deviation" to
obsessively arrange people like pawns on a chessboard and so usurp the
Invisible Hand as was reachin' for a sheet of
Charmin'. Last three Presidential
elections set a lot of Joneses were set to wonderin’
whether to vote for one ex-President’s wife, another’s vice duck on wheels or
the loud guy endorsed by Nazis and the KKK as lifted so many of his speeches
from that “Machete” movie that he oughta pay
royalties to Robert Rodriguez, Robert DeNiro and Danny Trejo which role he
reprised… he’s an Entertainer, and never denied it. Your retribution! Or give it up and vote for those Greens, as
nominated some old Doctor subsequently convicted of defrauding their miniscule
donor class, or the Libertarians, who chose the dope peddler over the murder
fugitive… in my humble estimation, a bad mistake… or that guy with the boot on his
head.. (More on
those options anon, as also has developed the meaning of more Q than thee!) Once upon the time, Ameriswine
abided by the codes of conduct regarding el nepotismo
(even if we did have to endure John Quincy Adams and Benjamin Harrison). A
century back, this Tammany termite, name of George Washington Plunkitt, even
differentiated between "honest and dishonest graft"... explaining, of
the former: "I seen my opportunities, and I took 'em!" Honest graft
kept people fed during the depression, resulting in highways, sewers and
various works of "magnificence and utility" as directed by our
Founding Fathers.
Two Supreme Court
vacancies, two apparently underemployed Trump boys now that they’re back from
their latest safari with a kaboodle full of elephant tusks n’ trunks and trunks
of rhinocerous horns, giraffe necks, plague bats and
monkey heads and dreaming of repealing the 22nd Amendment. Be very afraid!
So this Catfish would
start off his fifth-party campaign (or sixth, if my buddy Austin files first)
bringing our debt under control by dismantling bureaucracy, but slowly! And,
of course, discriminatingly. At least until the various users and
abusers in the private sector are deterred or detoured away from their
depravities by real sanctions… like jail terms.
Have to find some
chow to keep the PIC afloat – wouldn’t want Florence, Colorado or Leavenworth,
Kansas goin’ bankrupt!
So sup up the sauerkraut,
comrades, join the CNC and vote for candidates as we run or, at the least,
endorse. 'Else consider investing in Perfessor Ev's cuss-dictionary for a few choice phrases, as best
explain such situation as finds us floating away on the gumment
helium, and without parachutes, or pussies, the either!
|
CLICK the CATFISH to go to
PAST and PRESENT EPISODES of "BLACK HELICOPTERS" and to OTHER JACK PARNELL COLUMNS |