The Journal
Serving the Metropolitan Area
Since 1872
March 10, 2026
ENTER the CABBAGE!
By Jack Parnell - retired Congressman and Independent Presidential
candidate
Syndicated
by Acme Features
I'd left the Congress,
been to Branson, even helped bury Al Goethals by the time of that accident at
the Helium Reserve, so I can honestly say it didn't happen on my shift. Of
course I was responsible... voted twice to keep the damn thing
funded as a courtesy to a colleague in Texas whose own vote I needed on behalf
of certain locals at Lexmark... which then rewarded us by downsizing near a
thousand constituents and oughta be called "Mexmark", now... anyway, half of Amarillo floated off a’fore those FEMA people came in, tied it down.
Helium's not so bad as some... doesn't explode, doesn't combine with
other gases to make fumes that'll burn out eyes and lungs if a Norfolk Southern
trainload of the stuff runs off the rails. Just makes things rise up and people
start talking Donald Ducklike... forever, if you get too big a dose, as those
visiting Generals down in Amarillo found out. So Congress had to pension off a
dozen floaty four-stars and brigadiers before their time... hard to march into
a Costa Rican jungle or a Slovakian forest full of wolves, witches and Russians
and, maybe, get shot on the say-so of any General as quacks out orders like
Donald Duck.
The Federal Helium Reserve's
just one of thousands of Congressional pork projects, most of which do,
at least, keep people in districts at work and children fed. (S'also a grand source of campaign contributions.) You got
right-sliced pork, divvied up between subsidies for corporate billionaires, the
prison-industrial complex and Pentagonistas... not
for the boots on the ground as we needed last winter, but for pomp and brass
like our upcoming Trumparade – risen from the dead as
a consequence of the Congress cutting deals with Djonald
Unchained to not tell his MAGots to come to
Washington and kill politicians. Our Navy now has one admiral for every two
ships, as opposed to one per 130 during World War II, the Air Force one general
per 21 airplanes, as opposed to one per 244 in 1945.
Your left-slicers, meanwhile,
tend to rub their liberal stilettos with sanctimonious poisons afore they slip
between your ribs.
Footsteps on a moonless
night in old Venice or Florence, maybe; upwardly explosion of pigeons from
cobblestones... a horrid stench of putrefaction, briefest instant's glimpse of
cruel, plague-ravaged faces beneath Carnival maska, and
then... Eternity!
The NEA (such as grows
art pork, not teacher pork) throws four hundred large at J. Evan Lighter, this
university hustler down in Knoxville, for a 1006 page Dictionary of American
Slang (as proved mostly out-of-fashion cusswords)... then let his German
publishers charge fifty bucks a pop atop of that! "Retraining"
scams churn out thousands of Rust Belt fingernail manicurists, Enterprise Zone schemes,
as set mountain and valley people of my father's day scrapping over EZ handouts...
ultimately the exhumation of infamous "Negro Removal" projects, where
city slums were bulldozed – then money ran out, leaving tenants on the streets
or under jails. So liberal welfare-state and right-wing PIC private porkers
poked their piggly witchly pinky
fingers in a hi-five, giggling like Oogieluvs at the
distillery tour.
Deficit? What deficit?? And to hell with those people Harvied and wintered down in Houston, Irma’d
in Miami and Laura’d in the Cajun country in between…
let alone the Puerto Ricans… POTUS has his nice n’ naughty list for SCOTUS
(when Justice Roberts dies or retires) as make three appointments, counting
those assassinations, but here-again, gone-again, back again Majority Leader Mitchy stands ready to wield his new 51-49 club and keep the
Supremes down to six Pubs to zero asses until the ’29 Restoration and… well,
figure it out.
That as ain't coherently ideological or monetized is, sometimes,
just plain strange. The World Health Organization drenched Borneo with DDT,
illegal over here, so to kill off its bugs. The bugs went on living, though
WHO's pesticides did kill off lizards, which ate them, then all the island's
cats, which snacked on lizards. As a result, millions of plague-bearing rodents
descended on villages and, according to Tim Redmond and Marc Mowrey's book "Not In Our Back Yard", the United
States doled out more cash "...to help parachute in new cats to control the vermin."
Speaking of rats in foreign
places (that execrable 2022 was their year, like twenty one and twenty after
all), we have a holy host of vermin agencies like the World Bank, IMF, Export-Import
and such (as never met a Don Jones Index beancounter or
psychopathic dictator they didn't like) showering American taxdollars
at nationalized criminality from Algeria to Zimbabwe... even at Chinese dragons
and the oil an’ natural gas-rich Russian mafia, now led by this dude Kapusta who translates, certain leaky leakers at the NSC
and NIA let me know, as "The Cabbage" hacking American financial
sites. Big-time MUGGYA, so he got his assets moved out into the jungle ahead of
left-wing sanctioneers, of course. Why not! Our own organized crime's rakin' in big cabbage off gumment
corned beef... bailed-out savings and loans as would rather pass the government
swag to its own bossmen and ladies than loan it out
to Don Joneses to buy houses or start businesses. Stir in a few trillion in tobacco subsidies,
breaking up predatory but stable monopolies like Microsoft and the phone
company so as to brew up a whole sauerkraut barrel of crypto-confusion and
plain chaos not seen since some cities discovered crack gangs starting to move
the kat.
Extend the Covid Stage Seven subsidies to the unemployed still hanging
‘round after we bring back
the draft so as to stop the food
riots and suicides? Sure – but have the
able bodied work for their relief, the way they did in 1933. Fix things as needed fixin’.
Make things as need makin’
but which the big corporations thumb their noses at because the profits are too
low. That’s the Catfish way and… truth to
tell… it ain’t new. Fellow of the name of F. Delano Roosevelt used
to do that as was called the W.P.A. – not the “welfare” but the works progress administration. Kept things going near on a decade until World
War II.
Now I'm not saying our
Deep State bureaucracies are that much more corrupt or incompetent (or, on the
other hand, omnipotent… pacé Jason Chaffied)
than any as flourished since the Harding/Coolidge Golden Age, the royal courts
of Europe in Dick Whittington's day, or among certain Asian dynasties where
dragon ladies and eunuchs and Emperors with six-foot-long fingernails oppressed
their toiling masses. We've had 'em ourselves, and for more than a century as a
reaction to that cruelty overclasses wield against those beneath them, just
because they can. Take a gander at our DJI back in the
day – if’n you have the strong stomach! Thank the Smithfield and Tyson people, if you will,
for the metastasization of OSHA... after they refused
to let workers go to outhouses, just to keep them in their place, so many began
crapping themselves (and the wings and chitlins people eat) it had to become a
matter for the bureaucracies. Marc Linder, this Iowa law professor, even wrote
an effin' book on employers as feed
their macho by making employees crap themselves, calling it... and I kid you
not... "Void Where Prohibited". The problem, Linder says, is "much
more widespread than we had originally believed." S’worse now, with so
many out of work, so many robots and Chinese and Chinese robots lined up to take
more jobs and this here surveillance anxiety (see this last year’s DJI) and
the inflation’s still over five
percent.
At least the robots
don’t piss in a corner of the janitor’s closet.
Try reaching a consumer
hotline when the gizmo that you bought don’t gizz no
more? You get a recording with a numerical
option, each of which leads to another recording with more of the same and
another until you hang up in disgust and hate. Didn’t think to say so, but I sort of miss
those incompetent but earnest gals and fellows out there in Bollywood who at
least tried to communicate – and sometimes even did. Can’t dial Zero either anymore… they’re on to
that ploy.
Even capitalism's mighty
apologist, Adam Smith, remarked on tendencies for his "men of system..."
as "cannot suffer the slightest deviation" to obsessively arrange
people like pawns on a chessboard and so usurp the Invisible Hand as was reachin' for a sheet of Charmin'. Last two Presidential election a lot of
Joneses were set to wonderin’ whether to vote for one
ex-President’s wife, another’s vice duck on wheels or the loud guy endorsed by
Nazis and the KKK as lifted so many of his speeches from that “Machete” movie
that he oughta pay royalties to Robert Rodriguez,
Robert DeNiro and Danny Trejo which role he reprised… he’s an Entertainer, and
never denied it. Your retribution! Or
give it up and vote for those Greens, as nominated some old Doctor, or the
Libertarians, who chose the dope peddler over the murder fugitive… in my humble
estimation, a bad mistake… or that guy with the boot on his head.. (More on those
options anon, as also has developed the meaning of more Q than thee!) Once upon the time, Ameriswine
abided by the codes of conduct regarding el nepotismo
(even if we did have to endure John Quincy Adams and Benjamin Harrison). A century
back, this Tammany termite, name of George Washington Plunkitt, even differentiated
between "honest and dishonest graft"... explaining, of the former: "I
seen my opportunities, and I took 'em!" Honest graft kept people fed
during the depression, resulting in highways, sewers and various works of "magnificence
and utility" as directed by our Founding Fathers.
Two
Supreme Court vacancies, two apparently underemployed Trump boys now that
they’re back from their latest safari with a kaboodle full of elephant tusks n’
trunks and trunks of rhinocerous horns, giraffe
necks, plague bats and monkey heads. Be very afraid!
So this Catfish
would start off his fifth-party campaign (or sixth, if my buddy Austin files
first) bringing our debt under control by dismantling bureaucracy, but slowly!
And, of course, discriminatingly. At least until the various
users and abusers in the private sector are deterred or detoured away from
their depravities by real sanctions… like jail terms.
Have to find some
chow to keep the PIC afloat – wouldn’t want Florence, Colorado or Leavenworth, Kansas
goin’ bankrupt!
So sup up the
sauerkraut, comrades, join the CNC and vote for candidates as we run or, at the
least, endorse. 'Else consider investing in Perfessor
Ev's cuss-dictionary for a few choice phrases, as
best explain such situation as finds us floating away on the gumment helium, and without parachutes, or pussies, the
either!
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