The Journal


Serving the Metropolitan Area


Since 1872



August 13th




By Jack Parnell - retired Congressman and Independent Presidential candidate


Syndicated by Acme Features


          Now that our fraudulent electionswas defraudulated, then refradulated again in the metaworld of most red Don Joneses, America dodders in the decent, if shaky, hands of a weak, near octogenarian Democrat, ex-President Trump faces hard time  (not only were the riots Capitol, that espionage rap... if it sticks... could be capital) and his base has become madder than hell and ready for (another) revolution, some are starting to scrape them the bumperstickers "WWJVF?" (as mean "Who Would Jesus Vote For?") off their F-150s while others, suddenly astounded to learn that ex-VP Mike Pence may have been a good guy all along and perhaps fearful of the wrath of the Omega Variant, are slapping them on their Teslas.  Writ in tiny lettering as makes people tailgate and cause accidents on account of being on their phones, drinking hot, spillable coffee… ‘cept in New Jersey… and tryin’ to get close enough to read the message… the mystery ain't so mysterious- Americans are starting to question the premise we accepted as, well, gospel six months ago that Jesus votes Republican, the meaner and more corrupt the pachyderm, the better.

          Might be presumption – might be prediction, also, if the elephant men get the willies and Dump Trump to nominate some televangelist gomer, probably from Florida and Djonald Undeterred makes his metaversal Party of Trump a genii summoned into reality for 2024, giving even Pence and Mitchy McConnell (see DJI 220205) the wilies.

          Like most midterm Republicans said: their Democratic challengers “hated God.”  And God hates back.  Therefore, an analysis of the military components of Trump’s failed Revolution (conducted by the white-folks hating Congressional Inquisition, egged on by the Southern Poverty Law Center at the behest of the Bezoizabel-ish WashPost) is under way, so proceed at your own risk…

          Trump’s revolutionary logistical muscle was the Council for National Policy (CNP), as noted by this Don Jones Index one year ago, during the Troubles.  One of its five founders, Tim LaHaye, is the co-author of the Left Behind series of apocalyptic Christian novels and a man who has described gay people as “vile,” said the Illuminati are conspiring to establish a “new world order,” attacked Catholicism, and once worked for the wildly conspiracist John Birch Society. Another was John Rousas Rushdoony, who is listed in the 2014 directory’s “In Memoriam” section and advocated for a society ruled by Old Testament law requiring, among other things, the stoning of adulteresses, idolaters and “incorrigible” children.  (The Taliban would approve of the message, if not the medium.)

          Democrats and Republicans In Name Only (RINOs) north of Richmond, west of Bakersfield and under eighty do not understand Bible believers, never have done so (since the passing of William Jennings Bryan: progressivist, populist, evangelist, Secretary of State and three-time Presidential loser) and never will, because most meat-eaters on the Christian right, as are called Dominionists, (a few of Jesus’ alt-right alter-egos on the altar of statesmanship may now prefer Dominationists) go all alt-factual over their actual agenda which, put in a nutshell, boils down to this:

God raises up or slaps down peoples (from city-states like Sodom and Gomorrah or Babylon… Baghdad to the secularly inclined… or the Jebusites of Deuteronomy 20:17 to whole nations like France or even empires like Alexandrian Greece, post-Julian Rome or 20th century Great Britain and Soviet Union – Russia, under its KGB dictator and Orthodoxist oligarchy, like atheist China, are having their moments under the moon, but will be cruisin’ for a bruising’ come the Big One) based upon the sum of their collective virtue, or the lack of same, as set down in the Ninth Psalm.

He named Jews as His chosen peeps, punished them for transgressions with temporary slavery to Babylon, Persia (Iran) and Egypt, finally writing off the lot of 'em (so the Vice President and most Christian Identifieers will tell you) for not falling in line behind Jesus (or, perhaps, Mel Gibson – who was, by the way, absolutely right about Jews being responsible for all of the wars of the world now that those Hindu-Buddhist troubles in Sri Lanka are largely settled… provided you include Israel’s redheaded stepchildren, Islam and Christianity as at least one of the combatants – like the Mosley Uighurs in China or Pakistan’s pre-nuclear kerfuffle with Hindu’s Indians… not to be mistaken for the American Indians or Native Americans, if you will). From about Constantine on, He got behind the Vatican for its thirteen centuries until Martin Luther pried the Angles, Visigoths and Saxons and such out of the claws of Rome… them Catholic glory days finally ending when God’s great storm rose up and sunk the Spanish Armada, back in 1588.  The U. K. was next to build its empire, master its slave trade and hold God's grace 'til 1776 or thereabouts... some hold they lost the gold ring for failing to exercise dominion over their colonies and sufficiently convert (or kill) its pagan natives, or maybe JHVH finally woke up to the fact that the Church of England had come into being so as to permit merry old marryin’ Henry VIII… a role model for President Trump and Slick Willie, par excellance… to divorce or kill all those wives. Now, God's on America's side... but only so long as we behave!

          (By the by, and speaking of redheads, that Harun Yahya as is all the rage in Fundamentalland these days among the Islamo-Reconstructionist fusionists these days predicts that the real Jesus will come back any day now… he’ll be “tall, red-haired, narrow-waisted with an innocent expression, polite looking and highly logical and rational” as opposed to the dark, scruffy Antichrist, a half-blind cripple whom Allah will make ugly “for identification purposes”.  Add to the Texas supply-chainsaw massacres emptying notion stores the thousands of street and televangelists grabbing every bottle of hair dye they can snatch from the paw and the jaws of Rudy Giuliani!)

          At any rate, it's kosher (as among certain Muslims and Jews) to promote bashing queers (except, maybe, Djonald Unhinged’s favored Village People), the dark people, sick people, vagina positives, the unemployed and moron atheists as scurry round, tearing down Christmas crèches and crosses.  Slippery Dominion-Christians in these lying times, however, feel obliged to couch their convictions about race, sex, women and privilege in honeyed euphemisms.

          Praise the Lord, then, for the rare, honest Dominionist as Rushdoony’s successor, David Chilton, who still upholds Biblical slavery, or Bob Cox, delegate to the Christian Coalition convention, as decodes America's problem: "We need to get society back to where it is OK to establish rights and wrongs, and what is white and black."  Goes back to Noah, drunk and naked in his tent under the eyes of Shem (or was it Ham?... one of those ‘ums…) as the Lord duly punished by consigning all African peoples to bondage in perpetuity.  Not until a wussy named Lincoln issued his emancipation proclamation, then got shot before he could finish the job and ship the freed slaves down to Haiti, nor would freedom come at last when a conniving Barack Hussein Obama, crawled out’n the woodpile and into the White House.  Bondage!  Forever!  No exceptions, s’long as White America does right by His rules.

          There's only three things need be understood: first, God loves to see a body suffer; two, that while it may be more virtuous to take the burdens of suffering on yourself, like Job or Jesus did, God also hi-fives those who help the process by adding to other people's sufferings; and, three, there's this big computer upstairs, with a counting program as adds up the miseries of all peoples of all the nations, weighed collectively against their sins (or pleasures taken, same difference) and America stays top dog or gets lowered in His estimation, based upon the balance thereof.

          Well, there used to be four – but it seems now that Pence, Djonald’s personal intercessor with God on behalf of the President’s misadventures with cheeseburgers, reptilian space invaders and Stormy Daniels, has jumped off the crazy train.

          God's scales are ever so precariously balanced. Could come down to twelve-year-old Timmy Timms in Tulsa, masturbating under the sheets, or not, after some Julie Pryor special on the MTV... one stroke too many and God sends Commanders Cuatro 'n Zazzbo riding back in at the head of an army of millions of Mes'cans and Chinese, hook-nosed Wall Street crypto counters and Ay-rab oil sheikhs, sleazy Hollywood accountants and them frackin’ Texas weasels as skimp on their donations to the RNC – maybe Hilary Clinton, too.  And George Soros, gotta be in there, somewhere, with Bill Gates.  Plus those Japanese… as, at least, seem mostly to obey the Fifth Commandment over the last seventy-some years, compared to the denizens of Chicago.  Quick as a weasel, America's a second-rate has-been nobody walks in fear of, just like Egypt or the Dutch, who deny that private morality and dermal correctness must become a matter for the government to govern... and those cheese-eatin’, pot-smokin’ fornicators are even training hawks and eagles to attack and destroy the law and de Lawd’s obnoxious, ubiquitous peeping deep blue police drones peeking through the Jones family windows in search of sin.

          Could happen here, too!

          Now Jesus bein' born in a manger might put one in mind of homeless people, sleeping in cars or shelters, or those public hospitals as turn away paupers without money or insurance under that failed and essentially repealed (but not yet officially replaced) Obamacare... or send working parents off to go on TV and the Internet and beg for charity.  All that Sermon on the Mount shinola!  Some foolish sorts used to preach religion as meant being against slavery and rum and child abuse (and maybe women’s suffrage – with the emphasis on “suffer”), but these have mostly disappeared, as Mike Huckabee found out, resulting in losers like Johnny Mac getting with the program in oh-eight, Willard… not the rat in the movie or MAGAhotel in deecee, I mean Mitt… downplaying the golden spectacles and funny underwear four years later, and Djonald Unchained winning big enough to gag all of them Mormons, espousing salvation of the M-13 variety to the donor class and pimpin’ his Vice… the now-formerly-loyal but still Mister Pence – that unhung (unhanged?) zero.  For all the good that it does any of ‘em. Works, God's Chosen will tell you, don't matter against public gestures of faith... as in faith-based economics, medicine, schools, wars and prisons, even the faith-based driving, as means rapturing out into traffic, eyes wide shut, secure that if a sixteen wheeler or bus of crippled children looms up, it's really a good thing, since suffering saves and salves the soul, and it’s the Kingdom of Heaven that's at hand for the virtuous among the victims.  No confirmation, yet, however, that Mr. Musk and those smart car fellas at Tesla plan to call their self-driving deathrap apps Jesus, as gets accessed when you say, “Jesus… take the wheel,” and settle back to watch them Avengers’ new reboot animated movie with those Korea-pop kids on the mobile full of all that Chinese spyware and drink hot coffee.

          Cept in Jersey.

          You can see the short leap o'faith as followed from Marco Rubio’s admonitions to women to appreciate rape and incest as just alternative ways of creating life through Harvey Weinstein, Andy Cuomo, Jeffy Epstein and friends to al Qaida's Zarko, as boasted: "We love death more than you love life," before getting his wish and getting his brand overtaken by ISIS. Dirty li'l secret of Washington's Dominionists is how butt-close they stand to Islam, if only the fedayeen'd doff their turbans and hijabs like Yahya, slap on a red ballcap and kill for Jesus, 'stead of Mohammed. When Shiekh Mouhamed Said Tantawy, grand imam of Egypt's thousand year old Al-Azhar University (dude sometimes called the "Muslim Pope") called for jihad after the 9-11, Syed Buhkari, Allah's right hand in India, fatwa'd: "The war between right and wrong has begun!" and certain of Dubya's advisors trembled, as possibly finding themselves on the wrong side of God as He takes out papers changing his name to Allah like one of them Kardashians changing her name back again from that of her hubby-of-the-month. Some even made up with those E.T. end-times infidels and Hollywood Kabbalists as line their pockets with fantasies of judgment and destruction.

          Seems God stopped listening to VeePee Pence’s excuses for his thoroughly horrible boss, and then Pence apparently stopped believing, too.  Which, the mob howled, made him eligible for that necktie party.

          Rev'rend Hammer, with his wicked, plaid polyester trousers dancin’ and a-prancin’ on the Sunday morning television, as says we're all a part of some "mighty IT", promptly proclaimed that "... with the step into the interstellar Third Millennium, the end of terrestrial polytheism will inevitably come."

          Remember that eclipse year and some back, those blood moons and even blue blood moons over the last few years?  Kim Jong Un does… and he probably thought that deviltry from Mardi Gras’d shut down all of NORAD and CONELRAD, probably Cointelpro too, meaning it was time to launch his birds south during the closing ceremonies down south, there.  Sorry, Kim, din’t happen!  Malfunction!

          Now there are days as I also wish I could just make all the trash on TV... news and programming, sports, weather and advertising... go ‘way but, being a sensible Catfish (neither a doom-lovin' Fundamentalist, nor dim liberal), I've realize that to pull the plug on Gilbert Gottfried's cable gameshow with them pro-lawyer, anti-insurance subliminals and SUV pop-ups would be to eliminate one of the last few made-in-America enterprises that we can offload onto the rest of the world... along with cigarettes, pornography, toxic shale sludge, glutinous foodstuffs for stuffed gluttons, weapons of mass destruction and distraction and sadistic videogames... to even partially even-out our balance-of-payments problem.

          Not to mention pigs.  Lotsa pigs!  (Not so many chickens, unfortunately,)

          And, since private religion's become public property when running political campaigns, I wouldn't be honest if I didn't throw out my own two cents... I think God made the world because he was plain damn bored, and he enjoys watching us li'l two-legged ants run round, making fools of ourselves afore he totes out the magnificaion glass. I wouldn't say this if I thought the Coalition would have to go into a one-on-one come Election Day but... seeing as Democrats have their morally relevant constituency and the Republicans their mean, corrupt Deity (and another likely schism with the old man or his Veep already schemin’ to take on that reconfigured Bush boy and Cruzieros mumbling about Jebusites after Djonald’s American dream explodes and he gussies up his Third Party for himself, if eventually acquitted of the Capitol insurgency, or for Don Junior, Ivanka or Erik if not)... I think there's a fair chance we’ll see anywhere from four to eight competitive parties, so we'd take our sixteen and two thirds plus one from the rest of Americans such as despise the both of them, which is about the same percentage of 'Murkans as say that they believe in evolution. I do... bein’ as too many Congressmen, state and local legislators, televangelists, media celebrities and the such aren't much more evolved than a tail away from monkeyhood.  Want proof?  This sad little town in which we’re holding our convention on account of the premises being cheap is run by my good buddy Peter “Pinhead” Potter who, if he were in a better place, could be America’s answer to the late, great Rob Ford.

          Cruelty is not strength.  Effeminacy is not compassion.

          As for God's endorsement: well, I’m a Satanist on Sundays, but count me a card--carryin' member of that largest of all denominations, the Bad Christians, for the rest of the week. I can't promise to make all Americans all good, all the time... but I will do my dam... 'scuse me, my darnd'st... to make us more interesting.  Wouldn’t want the Big Guy to get ideas about cancelling our show, not a’fore I’ve had my chance to turn things round!