The Journal


Serving the Metropolitan Area


Since 1872



August 13th




By Jack Parnell - retired Congressman and Independent Presidential candidate


Syndicated by Acme Features


          Now that the jockeying and fundraising for the midterms is under way, less’n three months before November’s elections, expect to see more of them bumperstickers "WWJVF?" (as mean "Who Would Jesus Vote For?") in tiny lettering as makes people tailgate and cause accidents on account of being on their phones, drinking hot, spillable coffee… ‘cept in New Jersey… and tryin’ to get close enough to read the message.  The mystery ain't so - Americans know, by now, that Jesus votes Republican, the meaner and more corrupt the pachyderm, the better.

          Democrats north of Richmond, west of Bakersfield and under eighty do not understand Bible believers, never have done so (since the passing of William Jennings Bryan, evangelist, Secretary of State and three-time loser) and never will, because most meat-eaters on the Christian right, as are called Dominionists, go all alt-factual over their actual agenda which, put in a nutshell, boils down to this:

          God raises up or slaps down peoples (from city-states like Sodom and Gomorrah or the Jebusites of Deuteronomy 20.17 to whole nations like France or even empires like Alexandrian Greece or post-Julian Rome) based on their collective virtue, or the lack of same, as set down in the Ninth Psalm.

          He named Jews as His chosen, punished them for transgressions with temporary slavery to Babylon (aka Iraq) and Egypt, finally writing off the lot of 'em (so most Christian Identifieers will tell you) for not falling in line behind Jesus (or, perhaps, Mel Gibson – who was, by the way, absolutely right about Jews being responsible for all of the wars of the world now that those Hindu-Buddhist troubles in Sri Lanka are largely settled… provided you include Israel’s redheaded stepchildren, Islam and Christianity). From about Constantine on, He got behind the Vatican for its thirteen centuries until Martin Luther pried the Angles and the Saxons and such out of the claws of Rome… them Catholic glory days finally ending when God’s great storm rose up and sunk the Spanish Armada, back in 1588.  The U. K. was next to build its empire and hold God's grace 'til 1776, or thereabouts... some hold they lost the gold ring for failing to exercise dominion over their colonies and sufficiently convert (or kill) its pagan natives, or, maybe JHVH finally woke up to the fact that the Church of England had come into being so as to permit merry old Henry VIII to divorce or kill all those wives. Now, God's on America's side... but only so long as we behave!

          (By the way, speaking of redheads, that Harun Yahya as is all the rage in Fundamentalland these days among the Islamo-Reconstructionist fusionists these days predicts that the real Jesus will come back any day now… he’ll be “tall, red-haired, narrow waisted with an innocent expression, polite looking and highly logical and rational” as opposed to the dark, scruffy Antichrist, a half-blind cripple whom Allah will make ugly “for identification purposes”.)

          At any rate, it's kosher (among certain Muslims and Jews) to promote bashing queers (Trump’s new Q-Anon to the contrary), the unemployed and moron atheists as scurry round, tearing down Christmas crčches and crosses, but slippery Dominion-Christians in these lying times feel obliged to couch their convictions about race, sex, women and privilege in honeyed euphemisms.

          Praise the Lord, then, for the rare, honest Dominionist as David Chilton, who still upholds Biblical slavery, or Bob Cox, delegate to the Christian Coalition convention, as decodes America's problem: "We need to get society back to where it is OK to establish rights and wrongs, and what is white and black."  Goes back to Noah, drunk and naked in his tent under the eyes of Shem (or was it Ham) as the Lord punished by consigning all African peoples to bondage in perpetuity.  Not until a wussy named Lincoln issued his emancipation proclamation or a conniving Barack Hussein Obama became President… in perpetuity.  Forever.  No exceptions, so long as America does right by His rules.

          There's only three things need be understood: first, God loves to see a body suffer; two, that while it may be more virtuous to take the burdens of suffering on yourself, like Jesus did, God also hi-fives those who help the process by adding to other people's sufferings; and, three, there's this big computer upstairs, with a counting program as adds up the miseries of all nations, weighed collectively against their sins (or pleasures taken, same difference) and America stays top dog or gets lowered in His estimation, based on the balance thereof.

          God's scales are ever so precariously balanced. Could come down to twelve-year-old Timmy Timms in Tulsa, masturbating under the sheets, or not, after some Julie Pryor special on the MTV... one stroke too many and God sends Commanders Cuatro 'n Zazzbo riding back in at the head of an army of millions of Mes'cans and Chinese, hook-nosed Ay-rab sheikhs, sleazy Hollywood accountants and Texas oil weasels, maybe Hilary Clinton, too.  Plus those Japanese… as, at least, seem mostly to obey the Fifth Commandment.  Quick as a weasel, America's a second-rate has-been nobody walks in fear of, just like Egypt or the Dutch, who deny that private morality must become a matter for the government to govern... and those cheese-eatin’, pot-smokin’ fornicators are even training hawks and eagles to attack and destroy the law and de Lawd’s obnoxious, ubiquitous peeping police drones peeking through Don Jones’ windows in search of sin.

          Could happen here, too!

          Now Jesus bein' born in a manger might put one in mind of homeless people, sleeping in cars or shelters, or those public hospitals as turn away paupers without money or insurance under that failed and essentially repealed (but not replaced) Obamacare... or send working parents off to go on TV and the Internet and beg for charity.  All that Sermon on the Mount shinola!  Some foolish sorts used to preach religion as meant being against slavery and rum and child abuse, but these have mostly disappeared, as Mike Huckabee found out, resulting in Johnny Mac getting with the program in oh-eight, Willard… I mean Mitt… downplaying the golden spectacles and funny underwear four years later, and now Djonald Unchained espousing salvation of the M-13 variety to the donor class last time around.  For all the good that it does any of ‘em. Works, God's Chosen will tell you, don't matter against public gestures of faith... as in faith-based economics, schools, wars and prisons, even the faith-based driving, as means rapturing out into traffic, eyes wide shut, secure that if a sixteen wheeler or bus of crippled children looms up, it's really a good thing, since suffering saves, and it’s the Kingdom of Heaven that's at hand.  No confirmation, yet, however, that Mr. Musk and those smart car fellas at Tesla plan to call their self-driving deathrap apps Jesus, as gets accessed when you say, “Jesus… take the wheel,” and settle back to watch Harry Potter’s new reboot movie on the mobile and drink hot coffee.

          Cept in Jersey.

          You can see the short leap o'faith as followed from Marco Rubio’s admonitions to women to appreciate rape and incest as just alternative ways of creating life through Harvey Weinstein and friends to al Qaida's Zarko, as boasted: "We love death more than you love life," before getting his wish and getting his brand overtaken by ISIS. Dirty li'l secret of Washington's Dominionists is how butt-close they are to Islam, if only the fedayeen'd doff their turbans and hijabs like Yahya and kill for Jesus, 'stead of Mohammed. When Shiekh Mouhamed Said Tantawy, grand imam of Egypt's thousand year old Al-Azhar University (dude sometimes called the "Muslim Pope") called for jihad after the 9-11, Syed Buhkari, Allah's right hand in India, fatwa'd: "The war between right and wrong has begun!" and certain of Dubya's advisors trembled, as possibly finding themselves on the wrong side of God as He takes out papers changing his name to Allah like one of them Kardashians changing her name back again from that of her hubby-of-the-month. Some even made up with those E.T. end-times infidels and Hollywood Kabbalists as line their pockets with fantasies of judgment and destruction.

          Rev'rend Hammer, with his wicked, plaid trousers, as says we're all a part of some "mighty IT", promptly proclaimed that "... with the step into the interstellar Third Millennium, the end of terrestrial polytheism will inevitably come."

          Remember the eclipse last year, the blood moons and even blue blood moons last month?  Kim Jong Un does… and he probably thought that deviltry from Mardi Gras’d shut down all of NORAD and CONELRAD, probably Cointelpro too, meaning it was time to launch his birds south during the closing ceremonies down south, there.  Sorry, Kim, din’t happen!

          Now there are days as I also wish I could just make all the trash on TV... news and programming, sports, weather and advertising... go ‘way but, being a sensible Catfish (neither a doom-lovin' Fundamentalist, nor dim liberal), I've realize that to pull the plug on Gilbert Gottfried's cable gameshow with them pro-lawyer, anti-insurance subliminals and SUV pop-ups would be to eliminate one of the last few made-in-America enterprises, that we can offload onto the rest of the world... along with cigarettes, pornography, toxic shale sludge, glutinous foodstuffs, weapons of mass destruction and sadistic videogames... to even partially even-out our balance-of-payments problem.

          Not to mention pigs.  Lotta pigs!

          And, since private religion's become public property when running political campaigns, I wouldn't be honest if I didn't throw out my own two cents... I think God made the world because he was plain damn bored, and he enjoys watching us li'l two-legged ants run round, making fools of ourselves afore he totes out the magnifyin’ glass. I wouldn't say this if I thought the Coalition would have to go into a one-on-one come Election Day but... seeing as Democrats have their morally relevant constituency and the Republicans their mean, corrupt Deity (and another likely schism with the Bush boy back and Cruzieros mumbling about Jebusites after Djonald’s head explodes)... I think there's a fair chance we’ll see anywhere from four to eight competitive parties, so we'd take our sixteen and two thirds plus one from the rest of Americans such as despise the both of them, which is about the same percentage of 'Murkans as say that they believe in evolution. I do... bein’ as too many Congressmen, state and local legislators, televangelists, media celebrities and the such aren't much more evolved than a tail away from monkeyhood.  Want proof?  This sad little town in which we’re holding our convention on account of it being cheap is run by my good buddy Peter “Pinhead” Potter who, if he were in a better place, could be America’s answer to the late, great Rob Ford.

          Cruelty is not strength.  Effeminacy is not compassion.

          As for God's endorsement: well, count me a card--carryin' member of that largest of all denominations, the Bad Christians. I can't promise to make all Americans all good, all the time... but I will do my dam... 'scuse me, my darnd'st... to make us more interesting.  Wouldn’t want the Big Guy to get ideas about cancelling our show, not a’fore I’ve had my chance to turn things round!