Serving the Metropolitan Area

Since 1872

February 12th

WHEN TERROTHEISTIC POLYESTRIALS ATTACK!

By Jack Parnell - retired Congressman and Independent Presidential candidate

Syndicated by Acme Features

Come next go-round, we'll start seeing them bumperstickers "WWJVF?" again, as mean "Who Would Jesus Vote For?" The mystery ain't so - Americans know, by now, that Jesus votes Republican, the meaner and more corrupt, the better.

Democrats do not understand Bible believers, never have (since the passing of William Jennings Bryan) and never will, because most meat-eaters on the Christian right, as are called Dominionists, go all Clintony over their actual agenda which, put in a nutshell, boils down to this:

God raises up or slaps down peoples (from city-states like Sodom and Gomorrah to whole nations) based on their collective virtue, or the lack of same, as set down in the Ninth Psalm.

He named Jews His chosen, punishing them for transgressions with temporary slavery to Babylon (aka Iraq) and Egypt, finally writing off the lot of 'em (so most Christian Identifieers will tell you) for not falling in line behind Jesus (or, perhaps, Mel Gibson). From about Constantine on, He got behind the Vatican for its thirteen centuries until that great storm came up and sunk the Spanish Armada, back in 1588. England was next to hold God's grace 'til 1776, or thereabouts... some hold they lost the gold ring for failing to exercise dominion over their colonies and sufficiently convert (or kill) its pagan natives. Now, God's on America's side... but only so long as we behave!

It's kosher to promote bashing queers and moron atheists as scurry round, tearing down Christmas creches and crosses, but slippery, Clishy Dominion-Christians feel obliged to couch their convictions about race, women and money in honeyed euphemisms.

Praise the Lord, then, for the rare, honest Dominionist as David Chilton, who still upholds Biblical slavery, or Bob Cox, delegate to the Christian Coalition convention, as decodes America's problem: "We need to get society back to where it is OK to establish rights and wrongs, and what is white and black."

There's only three things need be understood: first, God loves to see a body suffer; two, that while it may be more virtuous to take the burdens of suffering on yourself, like Jesus did, God also hi-fives those who help the process by adding to other people's sufferings; and, three, there's this big computer upstairs, with a counting program adding up the miseries of all nations, weighed collectively against their sins (or pleasures taken, same difference) and America stays top dog or gets lowered in His estimation, based on the balance thereof.

God's scales are ever so precariously balanced. Could come down to twelve-year-old Timmy Timms in Tulsa, masturbating under the sheets, or not, after some Julie Pryor special on the MTV... one stroke too many and God sends Commander Cuatro 'n Osama riding back in at the head of an army of millions of Mes'cans and Chinese, hook-nosed Ay-rab shiekhs and Texas oil weasels, maybe Hilary Clinton, too. Quick as a weasel, America's a second-rate has-been nobody walks in fear of, just like Egypt or the Dutch.

Could happen!

So, private morality must become a matter for the government to govern...

Now Jesus bein' born in a manger might put one in mind of homeless people, sleeping in cars or shelters, or those public hospitals as turn away paupers without money or insurance... or send working parents off to go on TV and beg for charity. Some foolish sorts used to preach religion as meant being against slavery and rum and child abuse, but these have mostly disappeared, as Mike Huckabee found out. Works, God's Chosen will tell you, don't matter against the faith... as in faith-based economics, schools, wars and prisons, even the faith-based driving, as means rapturing out into traffic, eyes wide shut, secure that if a sixteen wheeler or bus of crippled children looms up, it's really a good thing, since the Kingdom of Heaven that's at hand.

You can see the short leap o'faith as follows to al Qaida's Zarko, as boasted: "We love death more than you love life," before getting his wish. Dirty li'l secret of Washington's Dominionists is how near they are to Islam, if only they'd doff their turbans and kill for Jesus, 'stead of Mohammed. When Shiekh Mouhamed Said Tantawy, grand imam of Egypt's thousand year old Al-Azhar University (dude sometimes called the "Muslim Pope") called for jihad after the 9-11, Syed Buhkari, Allah's right hand in India, fatwa'd: "The war between right and wrong has begun!" and certain of Junior's advisors trembled, as possibly finding themselves on the wrong side of God as He takes out papers changing his name to Allah. Some even made up with those E.T. end-times infidels and Hollywood Kabbalists as line their pockets with fantasies of judgment and destruction.

Rev'rend Hammer, with his wicked, plaid trousers, as says we're all a part of some "mighty IT", promptly proclaimed that "... with the step into the interstellar third millennium the end of terrestrial polytheism will inevitably come."

Now there are days as I wish I could just make all the trash on TV... news and programming and advertising... go away but, being a sensible Catfish (neither a doom-lovin' Fundamentalist, nor dim liberal), I've realize that to pull the plug on Gilbert Gottfried's gameshow with them insurance subliminals and SUV pop-ups would be to eliminate one of the last few made-in-America enterprises, that we can offload onto the rest of the world... along with cigarettes, pornography and sadistic videogames... to partially even out our balance-of-payments problem.

And, since private religion's become public property when running political campaigns, I wouldn't be honest if I didn't throw out my own two cents... I think God made the world because he was plain damn bored, and enjoys watching us li'l two-legged ants run round, making fools of ourselves. I wouldn't say this if I thought the Coalition would have to go into a one-on-one come November but... seeing as Democrats have their morally relevant constituency and the Republicans their mean, corrupt God... I think there's a fair chance we'd take our thirty three and a third plus one from the rest of Americans such as despise the both of them, which is about the same percentage of 'Murkans as say that they believe in evolution. I do... too many Congressmen, state and local legislators, televangelists, media celebrities and the such that aren't much more than a tail away from monkeyhood.

As for God's endorsement: well, count me a card--carryin' member of that largest of all denominations, the Bad Christians. I can't promise to make all Americans all good, all the time... but I will do my dam... 'scuse me, my darnd'st... to make us more interesting.

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